Bunrammitsrus

Diabetes

2010-05-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

My brother is in the hospital. He was supposed to have a "stint" or some such thing put in his heart valve(s). He had open heart surgery. What is really stinking about this is the general lack of information I have on this subject. I live with him so you would think he would have put me down to call. Nope, he told them to call Emma. Who had somehow lost the # I called her on to let her know he was in the hospital in the first place.??? Anyway it looks like he was run over by a Hummer, shot, hung, maybe mauled by a bear, and dragged to the hospital behind the ambulance. There are pipes coming out of every orifice known to exist on a man and a 6 banger IV deal the size of a large mans wallet on his pillow that would make any sane person cry for mercy. There are at least 15 machines hooked up to every conceivable wire, tube, and human anatomical position on his body. His legs are in some weird ski accident splint looking things, and basically everything in his room beeps, glows, displays, pumps, or measures. The bed leaks because he is on a water mattress. Nobody cares that his junk is hanging all over and outside his clothes (except me) and anyone who comes into the room can be told all about what is wrong with him and watch him be cared for.
I am not sure I want to live if I am ever in this position.
Now it is a few days later and he may come home soon! All the main wires and tubes are still there so I don't know how that is going to work.
Anyway, diabetes kills man

Karma is here

2010-05-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

OK All bets are off. The universe is a myth. All home grown stories are so true. And it does flipping snow in May.
As you can tell my world has collapsed in on itself and all the truths I held to be self evident… aren't.
This first aberration is all MY own fault. (first mistake) I bought the 65% Cacao Dove whatever's. Whatever misalignment of stars that made me buy the wrong chocolate started the problems. When I realized I got the wrong chocolate,
(Is Milk Chocolate Dove Promises not the greatest?),
I put the offending chocolates in a WalMart bag and gave them to BD (second mistake) with written instructions to return them.
Now you would think I would not waste my time with written instructions for a simple return of candy unless all had gone awry in the past with verbal instructions: and you would be right.
However, my third mistake was believing my 30 year old daughter would follow written instructions. NOPE Not happening. She went out and bought the correct chocolates and set the bag on the table in the living room.
To make a very long story short, the stupid bane of my existence dog ate an entire bag of Dove chocolates. I guess her skin was not bothering her anymore so she decided to poison herself. Interestingly, she ran back in forth for hours and hours until we drugged her with the left-over doggie downers. She then slept for a day and is fine.
Too much chocolate will kill a dog. = Total Myth.
The foil sparkly poop was pretty in a weird way though.
Next bump on the Karmic cycle has been the weather. I blame BD for this one because she set the 2 crappy couches we have out on the patio a full 3 weeks before we can get them removed by the trash people. Thus, it has either freaking rained or snowed every day this month. It is May. Hello Spring. Hello warmer weather.
Global warming = Myth.
The car has decided I bragged on how Ghetto Fabulous it is one too many times and has taken a giant poop. The gear shifter sticks now so bad we do not dare put it into park when we stop unless it is for the night. It takes at least 15 minutes to get it back into gear.
No such thing as a free lunch = Total truth
I bought myself a bra at a clearance sale. Opened the box and boy howdy was that a wrong label. The bra inside was a 38DD. I gave the offending box and bra to BD
with WRITTEN instructions to return and exchange it (again). She of course flung it into the front seat of the car and left it there for everyone to see.
HENCE my roommate says "Wow, you really only wear a size B cup?" As if I had a choice in what size boobies I got. Like they make you take a quiz in 5th grade, "What size bra cup would you eventually like to wear?". Then that is what you get.
To make matters worse, she is saying this in front of my brother. Like I need an interview to wear a bra that small. This is why some women invest in boobs.
Moving on ,,, my doctor calls me yesterday and says I need to come in if I want my prescriptions refilled. Those are words you never want to hear. I go in expecting to have to pay the $194.00 I owe him and hear a lecture or something and get a great shock. I need to start taking insulin shots in 3 months if the new, improved, much more expensive medicine he just gave me doesn't start working.
So far this month has been filled with uber lows. This one was just the needle on the camels haystack that broke my back.
It never rains, but it pours = Total truth.

Celebrate

2010-04-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Today is a great day.
Not only because it is Friday and 2 whole days of Grandmother-ness are stretched out in front of me. No, it gets better than this..
Trip got the satelite dish off today and all her stitches out!! No more being herded by a giant black & white horse with a helmut on. (hey anything over 80 lbs at 11 months qualifies) She is a herder and if I am not fast enough to suit her, she barks my heels with the darn dish. Plus the huge puppy dog weighs so much that the doggie downers just made her slower, not less determined. I have had it with the spoon feeding her because she is disabled by her cone. The water dish has been knocked over every hour or so for the last 3 weeks also. The carpet on the stairs is permanently wet. Let me just say that was not even the worst, she could not get out the doggie door with the dish.
Alec, Cora, Phoenix, and Kale are having a sleep over tonight. It is Mac N Cheese and icecream; Spongebob and lightsabers tonight for us!! Great stuff!!

I can do it!

2010-04-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

Tuesday we had no power all day. So I had our forklift expert teach me to drive one. I know you think it is easy Pat, but I was too scared to try before this as the lightest one is 5,000 pounds. But now I have had lessons. 54 and still gaining skilz!! It is a skill I need because when doing our second job we have to take out these giant oil barrels full of trash. In the past year they have probably only been emptied 10 times because I have to beg one of the guys to do it with a forklift.
I'm not begging anymore!!
Chalk one up for old Lady's everywhere.
Now I'll probably total one of the bay doors or take it off the dock.
I'll blame someone else and say I found it like that when I came to clean.
Maybe I need another lesson?

Darn new fangled technology

2010-04-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

Why does my boss pick 3:45pm to do all his stuff? And I'm not talking normal work stuff either. "Bring me all the files on the repairs for the 75 ton crane right now". Forget that he paid for a few in person with his credit card, did not ever give me the receipt to process, did not even tell me till just this moment that there were repairs of this machine, and expects me to mind-read where he put them.
OK now lets talk the accountant: just like the boss he did not bother telling me he had seen the charge on the statement, did not sling it over my desk (since I keep records for all machinery), and now does not remember ever seeing any of that. He keeps an eXcel spread sheet on this machine of his own credit card charges and those repairs are not there. In fact, he is soooooo sure he never had any such repairs that he wants ME to go argue with the boss that they don't exist. (been there, done that before, NEVER going again)
Helpful, not so much
Later my boss added to this that he wanted me to scan and email them to him because I've had 3 days with this new scanner and should have dropped my normal work and learned how to make it dance.
OK can you say upside down, out of order, wrong pages, accountant who holds receipts uncooperative, and pissed off boss?
I can.

Ah the perfection returns

2010-03-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like I T support. No I can not change the oil in my car, work a power saw, set up my own email or google stuff, but by darn I know how to call I T.
"Help Ms Wizzard" my blog is broken.
I, the helpless older lady blogger Bunrammitsrus humbly bow my extra long bunyay ears in recognition of your blog superiority. Thank you queen of the mega chip (or byte).
I did sew a button on today! and my actual job is accounting! So I am not without skilz... just old skilz.
HA

2010-03-24T14:01:00.001-07:00

The queen of the Prarie Dogs, that's me.
This morning I woke up to 12" of snow and frozen roads. I called work and was going to not go in but my boss said
"Oh the main roads are fine". (Translation) Come in to work now.
So I went down the road and only got stuck 6 times before I reached a main artery. The main street was not
FINE or anything close to fine. There was ice covered with the 12" of cast off snow of a thousand other cars.
As I went along, I started hearing a strange noise. I thought it was the sound of my engine vibrating on the
chunky road. About 10 minutes into the trip I realized it was a familiar noise. The noise the universe makes
when it cocks the let's f-with-Liz gun. Yes, I had ANOTHER flat tire in Prarie Dog City. This was one of the brand new
tires. It was virtually in the same position on my car as the last one. I pulled over to inspect the damage.
However, after considering the semi sliding on the ice toward my little Kia in a giant pile of snow now serving as
the side of the road I decided that $100.00 for a new tire beats the crap out of death by smoosh and drove on the tire
all the way to the nearest WalMart. $ 89.00 later, I made it to work alive and poor.
I earned the undying respect of all the Prairie Dogs under that 4 or 5 feet of snow for getting my car out of
their field, and am now an official carrier of the plague having parked there twice to change a tire.
Happy Spring.

Happy 1st day of Spring!

2010-03-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

Wow. There is a huge blizzard outside. Did somebody say that tomorrow is the 1st day of spring? I mean the snow is pouring out of the sky at an alarming rate. They say we will have a foot by 8 pm.
So whatnell am I doing at work????
I don't know either.
My doggies are white, my view out of the office is white, and all the cars in the lot are white. Basically a white out.
Maybe you should read "We hold these truths to be self evident" if you want my opinion on the weather man.
Mother Nature is on the rag.

Das Boat is sinking

2010-03-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

MY latest little chunk of the "stimulus package" came yesterday.
My boss came around with a letter announcing "wage reductions" for all of us office people.
I may not like it, but I know I am greatly blessed to still have a job.
The trickle down finally landed a big fat frozen glop of ick on my wrung of the corporate ladder.
(last one from the bottom)
When all you can do about it is accept it because everyone is in the same boat, its not so bad to get the wage cut instead of the boot.

2010-03-03T11:56:00.001-08:00

The sea hag
Brittany has the mini-mouse voice thing I get like 4 times a year. She has had it for a month.
Her voice sounds like what I imagine the Sea Hag would sound like. (reading Percy Jackson right now)
If you drank nothing but whiskey for 3 days and then swallowed 3 sacks of marbles,
I imagine you could imitate the noise she makes when she talks. Maybe. With a couple of days practice.
Anyway, you can not understand her at all and the kids are running wild like little Indians.
So if you call our house and it sounds like Gollum just answered the phone and you hear an actual noise like a ring wraith is screaming in the background, you got the right house.

Snotdoodle

2010-02-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

The cold which has been haunting my house finally made its way into my body last Sunday.
It felt like someone was sitting on my head. It weighed at least 80 pounds. I have had nasty things dripping out of my nose, which I can't feel anymore since I have blown it into death scar mode. It passed beyond "burnt" hurting Thursday sometime. This cold is the worst ever. The first 3 days I thought I was dying. I actually missed a day and a half of work.
From Tuesday through Friday I was a mouth breathing, dripping, snot machine. (I know you want this illness dontcha?) I felt like there was no way I could go on all day, then I had to get up 3 or 4 times every night to take more medicine. Medicine which I believe did absolutely NO GOOD until today.
Saturday. A full week of snotdoodle: (fever alternating with cold chills, aches, pains, and quite a few unbelievably prolific gross bodily functions)
Today I believe I may survive. Last night the cold pills made it possible for me to breathe through my nose. In the case of this "super cold" I believe the cold pills are just something I got to say I tried. I envy the people for whom the medicine works. It just makes me look dumber and feel poorer, not better.

We hold these truths to be self evident

2010-02-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

What goes up - comes down. Usually with the gooey side down on your clothes or carpet
If you do anything wrong, someone you know will be watching
If you do anything wrong and embarrassing, everyone you know will be watching.
Grandchildren are your only reward for not killing your kids when they were teenagers.
The size of the zit is proportional to the # of places (or important events) you must go to today
If you are having your picture taken, the zit will become mount Vesuvius and multiply.
The cat is trying to kill you by winding through your legs at the exact moment you are taking a step
Ditto the dog. And the kids.
There is no weather man. They are all really inept psychics. Mother nature does as she pleases, when she pleases, where she pleases, for as long as she pleases.
The amount of money you have in the bank will be exactly $100.00 short of what you need for the latest $ crisis.
Nobody knows how to drive, except you and me.

White wallpaper

2010-02-15T14:21:00.000-08:00

Every day I go to work. Every day I go home. I ride in the same car on the same roads. I notice the same stuff, I don't notice the same stuff. I watch TV for mostly the same amount of time, brush my teeth in the same sink, greet my doggies and grand kids the same way.
I LIKE same. I want same. May I be so bold as to say I REVEL in same.
Don't change my toothpaste, don't move my remote out of my reach, don't want a different job, or kids, or grand kids.
Plain old vanilla IS a flavor too. I do actually want everything beyond predictable and boring in my life. I've had the fun, now I want the peace and comfort of familiar.
I want to wear my 10 year old sweats with a ragged t shirt and fuzzy sox. I am no longer a fashionista. (shut up,,, I was a fashionista before I gave birth to you)
I do not want anyone or anything exciting and earth shaking in my section.
So call me old, call me stodgy, call me boring if you must, but for heavens sake don't truly think I want change and am sitting here waiting for you to wake me up to the "fun" of whatever joyous venture you have planned.
I need napage.
I crave quiet.
I am old enough to know that about me.
I am NOT going to Yellowstone National Park again unless a space shuttle lands on my bed and launches me into space and my remains fall down over Wyoming.
EVER
Somebody actually said to me yesterday, "We should plan a trip to Yellowstone" with at least 4 kids, 3 dogs, 3 adults

Did somebody step on a Monk?

2010-02-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

For over 4 years now I have worked with a man obsessed with chants. To be specific, Gregorian Chants.
What this group of musicians(?) does is take a song like "losing my religion" and make it into a chant. So it sounds like a bunch of guys singing the anthem to Survivor only they are saying the words to a popular song. It would not be so bad but he has 3 or 4 favorite CD's and he plays them over and over all year long, every year, day after day, after day, over and over.
The latest is a bunch of guys called the Priests and they are singing / chanting a Catholic mass in Latin. Did I mention he plays it 4 times back to back? Every day?
Virtually every single visitor to our office says the same thing, "Is this funeral music?" or " What freeking channel is this crap on?"
It sounds like I work in a monastery. By the time 10 hours of this has gone by, I want to gouge out my own ears.
One of the guys upstairs says "It sounds like somebody stepped on a Monk". This has gone on now for 4 years. Now I'm not complaining (much) but for 4 years
I have listened to the chants, opera, chamber music, and just plain old talk radio of this guy. Did I mention that he listens to talk radio every day from 3:30pm to 4:30pm?
The guys on this brilliant show hash and re-hash the football games of the week. You can call in and get on the show. But if you curse, they will hang up on you. It has gotten to the point where I turn a fan on next to my ear so I can drown some of it out.
The thing is I KNOW how the postal people went that way now. One too many slow sad songs. When I go home at night all I listen to is the blessed silence of my car.
Seriously, I want to stop the noise coming from his half of the office NOW. Guns and bombs are not too far out there for retribution of this depth of torture. The only kind of music worse than this is Jazz. It just can not end soon enough
Oh yes, I tried a radio. He turns his up to drown mine out. It took me 3 warnings from the owner that mine was too loud to just give up. I am in the reception area and have a responsibility to maintain a professional image (bla bla bla)
Now I suffer (but not in silence) one of these days when the boss is on vacation or playing golf I will crack and bring in a giant stereo boom box. Or maybe a bazooka, I am undecided at this point.

Up with this I will not put

2010-02-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

Wow. The week is on a roll. I actually missed work yesterday for a broken toilet and flooded basement. Today is finally Friday and I might just stay in bed for all of the weekend.
If you are out there reading this this week really blew.
Maybe when I get over this I will be able to laugh at this blog.
Hey, last Sunday a member of my Bishopric said that Blogging is like keeping a journal so HA this counts!!! And here I was just having fun.
The dog is home and she is great. I keep wanting BD to take a pix of her scars. It cost me my computer chair and Video camera to get her back from the pound, but I could not let them kill her after she survived the ordeal. Her scars are shaped like a big anchor and about 6 inches long. They keep the dogs alive 6 days after they go up for adoption, she was doomed. I could not watch her on the Internet and know she was still there.
One of my kids thinks I committed fraud for going and getting the dog. The pounds are full of dogs, no one was going to get her.

WHAT N THE HECK

2010-02-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

The world has gone to crap in the space of 24 hours.
Yesterday my boss spent the day screaming at me for things that are not my fault.
Today my family all have big problems.
At least my boss went somewhere this afternoon so he can't yell at me.
But he also can't sign the paychecks. Oh well, tomorrow is payday anyway.
One of my co-workers is sick and giving all of us a nasty cold germ bath.
I have a toothache inside the new bridge. Happy day!!
I also have a stress headache… proves I do have a brain I guess.
My brother called me because he is homeless and I had a fight with my son.

Happy groundhogs day.

Trip de Trip de Trip de

2010-01-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

TRIP DE TRIP
Tomorrow we are going to go to the Dumb Friends League and get Trip.
She has finally been released from the hospital and made it onto the website
I hope she is not really upset with us for the medical debacle
Even if she is, she will take one look at Shimalfinney and be fine.
Shimalfinney has throw a fit several times recently about not having her Trip to chew on.
She even took a couple of shoes and a shirt outside to chew on this last week.
Up with this shite I will not put!! I hope it is a lovely reunion with barking and running.
I'll let you know.

Craptastic weekend

2010-01-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

This past week will go down in the annal's of time as one of the craptasticiest weeks ever.
My car took a dive into the "fix me or start walking" section. I think it needs bearings or some lucky expensive thing. When we turn it goes on turning after you straighten out the steering wheel.
Wow scary.
Root Canal: Went there, done that, going back under protest.
My boss said if business doesn't pick up we are going to be out of jobs.

Next week looks better on the horizon after Tuesday.
Tuesday I go finish the root canal. Yes it really did take 5 hours the first time and I just could not take anymore. He says it will be at least another 45 minutes. For those of you blessed enough not to have been to your own root canal recently, the translation of that is (2 or 3 hours).
I think how long it takes is a complex mathematical equation:
Take how long you think you can take the pain of this infected tooth,
add the amount of $ he is charging your insurance,
subtract the amount of your co-pay,
plus the # of people you have around you, unless you have to hold your own spit sucker like I did. Then subtract 1
Multiply this by the strength of your revulsion for being smothered with the green mouth tent....
If you have to pee add 30 minutes past how long you can hold it
If you are late or due somewhere like court add another 30 minutes
The length of time to the next vernal equinox goes in here somewhere
East of the Mississippi add 2 hours West add 1 hour
Now square the amount of pain you are in since he stuck the 4" drill bit down the root of the tooth and twisted it so he can rip out the roots one by one.
You get it?
So did I. THE THING TAKES MUCH TOO LONG and hurts too much!!
At least my co pay is paid and I will not have the pleasure of giving them $ at the end of this session. My dentist sent me a gift certificate to Olive Garden.
(Job Security?)
Anyway, after Tuesday some day next week my tax refund should be here. Yoo Hoo.
I am splurging and buying myself a chair at Staples because I get a free Camcorder with it.
Call me a selfish pig if you will, but I'm doing it anyway!!
At our house we will all be happy little campers next week, I vow it.

The tooth, part II

2010-01-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

Root canal
5 hours
Co-Pay
$101.00
Holding my own spit sucker tube
Priceless

Moving on?

2010-01-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

I think it may be time to move. I swore I would never do it again, but the fact is $1,056.00 a month is OUTRAGEOUS for rent. Plus our landlady is insane. Plus we live in a HORRIBLE area of town.
I am thinking we just need a little miracle in our lives so we can afford to move. I have room mates but financially we are still on the edge all the time. Maybe it is time for a budget? A little more income would also be helpful. The house itself is huge and other than being 1000 years old it is OK.
The power and water are a very big expense because the house is so old and there are so many people running things all day. The cable always manages to surprise me since we do not order movies or pay-per-views. I guess the real problem is that I have not had a raise in pay for 3 years, but everything else possible has gone up in cost. Milk is the only exception; it is $1.98 a gallon. That is great since these boys drink
mostly milk. Everything else keeps going UP UP and AWAY!!
Maybe we should sit tight for now, better the devil you know.

Tripdetripdetrip

2010-01-11T08:59:00.001-08:00

Today I cried.
Not the all out ugly bawling cry, just a frustration and anger and sadness cry.
Trip did not make it. Sunday when we got up she was once again covered in blood and the wound was open and had a second wound by it.
We called the vet and they want money like you would not believe to fix this. She was moving around too much, she is a hyper dog.
She needs a week (at least) in the hospital to be sedated so her side can heal. We just can NOT afford it.
We had to turn her over to the Dumb Friends League so they could try to heal her, but I doubt it can be done.
Britt and I debated just letting it heal open, steritape, a loan, a t shirt, all kinds of stuff.
In the end we just can not afford it. I was mostly scared that the dog catcher would see the gaping wound and give us some fine for cruelty to animals.
Unfortunately, it would be true if we just did nothing. She was gonna die if we did that. I guess it is for the best, at least they will heal her and spay her before they put her to sleep.
Or maybe she will be adopted by some wonderful family with $$.

Trip is back from the dead

2010-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

The puppy is officially recovered. She dances, she leaps, she barks my heels with the stupid satellite head gear 50 x a day following me around, she is done being abnormally sedate.
Wow, I would be relieved to be feeling so good 2 days after the major surgery to sew my skin back on.
She jumps up on my bed and paws me to death 3 or 4 times an evening. Then she rolls all around my bed all night following me for body heat.
Which means I was covered with drainage blood spots this morning ewwww
The good outweighs the bad I guess since she was sooooo pitiful with the cone head and stitches. But I must repeat ewwwww
She body tackled Kale this morning for his good morning ear licking.
She runs around outside with the satellite dish scooping up snow to eat with the dish…
She sleeps during the day and plays all night with Shimmalfinney
She knocked over my bed side table to get a drink.. Yea totally recovered.

The list 2009*

2010-01-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

All over the TV there are shows about the best and worst of 2009 so in grand tradition of American TV I have hereupon this blog made my official list of things I NEVER thought I would hear or say which occurred during 2009 (drum roll please)

# 10 "Nobody better spit on anybody else in this car, and that includes the frogs."(during a ride to Parker December 24th)
# 9 "If you don't want to hear it shut your ears." (same car ride)
# 8 "Who is torturing the cat out there?" (Phoenix singing with Halo)
# 7 "Do you have an all-day Valium lollipop?" (Asked at the dental appointment for Phoenix after his tooth extraction)And YES they offered his brother a sucker after the appointment, now that's job security!
# 6 "Nobody here has any spare candy, It is Halloween." (In my defense I had been freezing my tush off in the snow behind my trunk for a long time with wet boots and Dakota wanted any "spare" candy for his enormously full giant bucket)
# 5 "Of course we are all here, does anyone appear gone?" (brain death from talking to children for too long)
# 4 "If either of you touch each other ever again, I'll kill you both." (from beyond brain death during a fight over who touched who)
# 3 "Phoenix is looking out of my window again" (every car ride, air space counts to a 4 year old)
# 2 "Why are you scared of the basement? I am the scariest thing in the basement, now go down there and get me a Kleenex." OK so I wasn't IN the basement just then.

AND the # 1 quote from 2009 "If you shoot anyone else in the face, I will take back all your Christmas presents to Santa and kill you both."
Actual quote from Brittany to Dakota Christmas Eve after he shot Phoenix in the face with a pellet gun. The present thing got his attention, you did not even scare him with the death threats!

Isn't this the cutest bunny ever?

2009-12-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

We had a great Christmas. Except for the shooting in the living room. Dakota shot Phoenix with a Pellet gun. So needless to say, no more pellet gun. Joshua did not come over, he had to work. Brittany got me a grundle of presents I loved. Tobi got me a new calendar and a book. Yippee, loved those too. Kale made me a Ducky necklace. I wear it a lot.
Happy New Year.
As per usual, I will NOT be celebrating new years eve outside my home.
I call it amature drunk night. The one night a year when you are guaranteed to see at least 1 drunk driver every block or so. Also guaranteed to see at least one arrest if you are out after dark. People puking on the side of the road while being arrested is not that common but in 34 years of New Years Eve driving, I've seen it a few times.
When the kids were little, we stayed in our house and had a big party.
Now a days lots of people do fireworks during the parties at midnight so there is incentive to go outdoors. However, we don't go out in my neighborhood as there are also guns going off on New Years. (Cheaper than fireworks and slightly less illegal).
But we will have a great new year... you have a great one too!

It came without packages, boxes, or bags

2009-12-18T14:10:00.000-08:00

When all is said and done the only thing you really have are your loved ones. You can be the best at whatever interests you and
have EVERY whatever you collect. Your proficiency in what you study and/or practice will get you earthly pleasure and if
you work it right earthly treasure, but nothing else.
When I leave earth I want my Kids and Grand kids to remember me. Not my house, not how good I was at (wow I just realized I have no exceptional talents) whatever, not how much $ I had or how I spent it, just me. My character, my love of them, and
most especially my spirit since that is all I will have in the next life to be recognized by.
This Christmas we do not have much but I want to be remembered as the Grandma who made not having much enough.
Happiness is a condition you decide to have. You can't change some things, you can change how you react to them.
So sing that carol a little louder and share your spirit with every one of your loved ones.
It may be a slim Christmas, but that is enough if you want it to be.
Merry Christmas to all and kiss those Grand kids for me please.

Ho Ho Ho

2009-12-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

Here is my last years Christmas wish list (in all fairness to my children, not made until after Christmas):
all the Harry Potter Wands
Jingle Cats CD _ got it from Tobi
Decorated Basement
Home Theatre
Go to Hawaii
Mattress for my bed - bought it with taxes
Puppy Doggies - 1 wandered in, 1 for birthday from Joshua
Computer chair
Computer speakers
Video Camera
As you can see I got 3 out of 10 by hook and crook during the year
This is my wish list for this year:
A foot massager (I have seen it at Wally World in the pharmacy check out)
A new tv (The techno-whore in the family says it must be LCD)
Shoes
Yes it is shorter and more possible this year as I know I won't get most of last years list. Notice how no where on it is a root canal or an EKG?
So far this holiday season I have paid the dentist for 2 crowns and a bridge. Now my doctor would like me to come in and have a checkup. OHHHHH Could I? And I get to pay for this? Right now during the Christmas rush?
By the time Christmas is here we might be caught up to November with the bills.
Could I please just have one more $$$ emergency??? No wait, I take that back. The weather is 40 below here. Hell has frozen over and I will no doubt wake up to a frozen vehicle or something. Actually it was negative 15 when I woke up and now it is a balmy 13 degrees here at work. You can really feel the heatwave.

An old womans perspective on sox

2009-12-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

When the girls were all in grade school they decided that these sock rolls were the way you do cool socks. Their brother did it too. No matter how many times I rearranged their 8 little socks on 8 little ankles and told them NEVER do that again, I would pick up my darling little angels with sock rolls at the end of their school day. I was mortified that all 3 of my girls and my son would NOT follow the 80's fashion dictate and scrunch their socks like everyone Else's kids were.
At least I was embarrassed for a few days//// Then I chalked it up to another "Mothers Curse" item.
In case you do not know how this works, let me enlighten you: While your child is doing whatever they are doing which is causing you to be A: embarrassed as a mother. B: Causing everyone else including your spouse to question whether or not you should have had kids at all. and/or C: Making you wish the earth would crack open under your feet and swallow you whole. You reach deep inside yourself and grasp the last shred of hope left and say "When you grow up I hope you have some children who act EXACTLY like you are acting right now". That's it. It works.

Now you wait about 2 decades and keep doing this through the teenage years when you keep wishing you had raised poodles or pit bulls. I promise when you get the first call from one of your kids that starts with "Mom, you'll never believe what (insert child's name here) did today. Your curse will have reached fruition and you will feel a little tingle of calm come into your life which can only be caused by FINALLY seeing the child with the rolled down socks get theirs.

I chuckle and chortle and snicker with glee! Sometimes, it gets so good that as the child who tortured me is telling the story of the latest bad thing their offspring has done I get light headed with happiness. You have to understand I have waited decades for this stuff!
So, you son threw a fit in a very public venue? The girl destroyed what? No, he did not say that in public? He ran out naked? You had to go see the principal again?
Oh yes, the mothers curse works. Every one of those thousands of moments when my patience was tested to the limit and I did not kill one of them has been vindicated!
Grand kids are your reward for not ripping off all of their socks and making them wear sandals in the snow till they got over the sock rolling thing.

it's beginning to look like Christmas

2009-11-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

A quick little Holiday helper Blog which won't help you until next year:
I have NOT participated in "Black Friday" for the last 25 years! Shopping among other people on a normal weekday evening makes me crazy. The average stop to any store during the Holiday rush just gives me hives.
Yes, I have missed all the door stopper deals and 4am specials in exchange for relative sanity and a work free day to put up my tree. I am not particularly bothered by missing these "one time only" deals and don't expect to be bothered this year either.
I will share my secret with you:
I shop for Christmas all year long beginning with the day after Christmas clearances. When the store clearances out everything having to do with whatever the latest sale has been called I continue to clearance shop. I do this right up to Black Friday, then I stop. The money I could have saved by standing in line for 3 hours at Ultimate Electronics pre-dawn crowd (which in late November, Colorado means -10 degrees) does NOT make that big of a difference if you already bought this item. Plus, would you have bought this particular item if it weren't such a spectacular deal? There are always large odds that you will NOT get what you came for during the big sale as the stores usually have VERY LIMITED quantities and the crowds are huge. The frostbite coupled with the trauma just can't beat the satisfaction of seeing it all done months and months ahead.
Of course this is not a perfect plan as you can never tell what item will become the MUST HAVE item for someone you love during the Christmas commercials between the Sponge Bob underwater special and the Chairman's Christmas Cook off. In this case I usually go to the store at 5 am before work on a Monday. That way you are sure to be the first one there and alone in the store. The chances you will actually get the item are on par with the chances you will see this item on "Black Friday" and the clerk won't be alert or awake yet and you may get it 1/2 off anyway!
So go out and shop all you bargain hunters. I'll be eating turkey sandwiches in front of my tree with my toes and sanity intact.

Remember the tooth

2009-11-20T15:10:00.000-08:00

What a special week! I got 3 new teeth for $1,800.00 (plus the $ 1,700.00 donation my insurance will make). All I had to do is break one and then after the three hour debilitating session with the dentist ... PRESTO.... a bridge and 2 caps! Why do I feel so sullied?
The dentist was nice and everything, but I am bruised for crying out loud and really swollen in my jaw, and in a lot of expensive pain.
Also, no Virginia there will be no eating with this mouth for a lonnnnnnng time to come as that big red spot and the lumps in the picture are NOT my tongue. That is the dentist's damage in there. I have bruises and a great amount of swelling. I look like someone beat me. And I got to take out a loan to pay for it!!! Yay ME
However I did get a loan so I don't have to wait 7 months to get the final bridge and caps. They will be installed December 12th.

Hippo Birdy Ewe Ewe

2009-11-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

Time for the birthday blog!
Today I am 54. My sister is 56 today too. Would you believe delayed twins?. Anyway today has been full of great surprises and one of them was a giant German chocolate cake at work. I nearly died from the sugar coma, but YUM.
I started out the day at my mini meca Wally World. They put out the Christmas ornaments just for me I'm sure.
I found one of those hoodies that go up over the head and become a costume for $3.00 (this is not a typo) for one of my Grandson's for Christmas. Woo woo.
I am boycotting work for the most part and typing this blog.
My doggies woke me up early to slobber all over me and bite my nightshirt.
Tobi already called me, and BD hugged me. Talk about a lucky day!
And ... I am giving all of you the day off of school, work, the bank, and mail.
Have a great my birthday!!

Please let it stop snowing for an hour or 2

2009-10-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

There is 2 feet of snow outside. The weather person says it will be 4 to 6 more inches by 6 pm. I lost a whole black Labrador dog today in it. Luckily she is strong enough to dig her way out. The puppy, not as good since it is over her head. I have not gone to work in 2 days since I can't navigate a car which sits 7 inches off the road in 2 feet of snow. Maybe the plow will break all laws of probability and come near our street this year.
In case you were wondering, it's October the 28th (for crying out loud).
There are trick or treat activities in 2 days. Maybe we will create snow shoes and go. I see a Werewolf with tennis rackets on his fuzzy toes in my future. Seriously, the snow is up to Kale's waist.
"Trick or treat, see my cool feet, give me something warm to eat".

e harm any technological device.com

2009-10-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

I went to my blog today and realized I have once again substituted my picture of myself for some random photo (a Jedi storm trooper from the clone wars)
without realizing what I had done. Who knows how long this has been going on. I kept looking at my daughters blogs and wondering "What whacko uses the Clone Picture?"
That would be me.
I am the antitechnology queen. I repel technology. The wonderful cell phone my daughter provides me with works really well for her, for me not so much.
The phone I bought for my house is really shiny and nice. I have no clue how to work it. There are literally hundreds of messages on it, and I am sure
some day I will figure out how to listen to and /or delete them.
The rice cooker Tobi got me like 3 birthdays ago has only been operated by me once. We still can't get the rice off the sides. BD does the rice.
I have a lovely computer which I can turn on and off beyond that I am helpless.
I had an MP3 player or whatever it is called. I could not get it to work ever.
The 7 year old has it now.
Yesterday I got a picture of my daughter Sarah's new shower. WOW. It looks like she paid someone a lot of money to do it
No no, she did it. I did a shower once. It was terrible. Actually the shower in my mother's 50 year old single wide trailer was better.
The microwave in our house does everything but wipe it self out. I just use it to heat up green beans and hot dogs. The DVR I got from Comcast sure does have a lot of
interesting buttons and selections. I like the heart shaped one. It lets me know I like this show. How it works…. Not a clue.
The car has more broken buttons than working ones, I can't figure out my 99cent calculator and my bank account is bouncing to the seventh power.
Hey I can not cook either.
Maybe I'll join eharmanytechnologicaldevice.com and get it over with.

Nothing in life is free, or working right

2009-10-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

My car and my son
Where oh where to begin? The car came for free, but it had problems. First of all, if your car's heater is powered by a
wall light switch duct taped to 2 red wires hooked directly to your battery and laying on the passenger floor…. Well, you get the idea.
However, the only problem with the heater / air conditioner was the fan switch.
Notice I said WAS.
Then Josh tried to fix it so it did not look so "ghetto".
Notice I said tried.
Now not only does the heater not work at all, the air conditioner is on at all times. This is a problem when there is ice on the windshield. Not only that, now the rear defroster doesn't work, the fan still doesn't work even with the wall switch, and we can't change the heater to air conditioning because all the controls are frozen in place.
Needless to say I am less than happy with the current situation. The car blows cold air in the morning when it is cold and hot air in the afternoon when it's hot.
You can NOT see out the rear window unless a tropical suedo-tsunami sprays over it in the morning.
You can not be warm in the car without a fire… which I am ready to try. You have to ride around in the afternoons with a red face from the heat and all the windows down.
Maybe it is time to consult a specialist you say? If I could afford that I would not have needed a free car or a free repair.

Halloween

2009-10-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

Halloween!!!
So the month of Halloween has begun with a bang. It is toasty warm here in Colorado… NOT.
If you call frost on the ground and a negative # for a temperature at night warm that is.
The pumpkins we grew had to be removed from the garden this year in September as the vines were freezing.
We have colds and flu and ghouls in the yard. Ah ha ha. Vampires and ghosts beware this house.
Personally the holidays begin for me when the weather changes and that seems to be this week.
The puppy thinks she has died and gone to hell and it froze over. She looks at me like "Hey where is the outside hotness?"
She is 13 weeks old now and has roughly doubled her size. She eats like a pig and hasn't turned down food yet.
I was buying uber expensive puppy food, but the big dog and the cats eat it too. Back to the normal cost food.
The kids think she is public animal enemy # 1 because she is cutting her canines now and chews on them.
The boys had to get boots today cuz wow it is crappy weather outside. Tennis shoe weather is over.
Coats and boots and long sleeves, here we go.
Brittany dyed a stripe down both the boys heads. I think they look like chia pets! I'll have to ask her to take pix.

jacob o licious

2009-09-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

Jacob Black is HOT

Flu round 2

2009-09-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

This week is flu round 2.
Phoenix had it last week Thursday and Friday.
Saturday we took him into the ER and became part of the statistics. "He has the flu"
Kale now has it, worse than Phoenix did.
The boy could keep a laundry mat in business today.
He is soooo sick. BD came to work to pick me up and in that amount of time he got the car, the couch in my area, the toilet, the rug in front of the toilet, my sink, both trashcans in my bathroom, and my trashcan in my office.
Did I mention he is sick? We just threw out his second outfit of the trip to pick up Amoo.
Luckily, the flu seems to have missed me and BD with the vomitus majorus and just hit us with the earthquake cramps and shooting volcano diarrhea.
Gruesome huh?
Glad you're not here?
Back to the washing machine for me.

Freddy Krueger Scary

2009-09-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

OK I am calmed down enough now after 2 weeks to blog about the attack on Kale.
For several weeks now he has not wanted to go with his other Grandmother & Grandfather to their home. We did not know why.
We asked several times a day, Why don't you want to go to Grandma's house? Is someone mean there?
Are there scary things there? Is there someone hurting you? Etc… Always he said "No" or "I don't know"
This is a child who danced at the door waiting for her to pick him up prior to this. He would go there for days on end, spend the nights, and always wanted to go back.
I'm not saying we suck, I'm just saying he really liked it there. More than he liked it at home.
One day about 4 months ago he started refusing to go. Then as that continued he went over once under protest and after that he refused to go again.
No explanation, no reason, he just would not even discuss it. As we continued to press him to go (the other Grandmother was calling almost daily) he started throwing the most
incredible fits you have ever seen. Like a kid in the same room with Freddy Krueger fits. If she or her husband came to the door he would run through the house
screaming and hide so he did not have to see them. They own the house we live in so they come once a week to collect rent or do maintenance or mow the yard.
After the 3rd or fourth fit like this Britt forced him to go with her and his brother for a party trying to show him Grandma's house was still OK. He was fine unless she looked like she was going to move, then he freaked out.
2 Fridays ago she just had enough and made him go. When he came back I thought I was going to jail for sure.
He was covered in bloody scratches and bruises. Someone obviously slapped his face hard enough to leave a mark.
When questioned he said his grandma did it trying to keep him from jumping out of her moving car.
I called her and had a very aggressive talk with her. She told me we (BD and I ) have brainwashed Kale that she is evil and that we are to blame for his beat up state.
She challenged me to call the cops (several times) and called me basically an enemy of hers.
She told me that BD and I have gotten "What we wanted" and that she will "Never bother that child again". Wow what a great person.
By the way, we never discouraged his going to Grandma & Grandpa's house. Quite the opposite. We Loved the breaks and took advantage of the time
without the 4 year old to do some things we can Not do when he is here. Go to a movie, clean, go buy him secret birthday presents, groom the dog.
If you have ever tried to do any of these things with Kale, you understand.
No, we did not turn them in for child abuse. We did not have to. The minute he walked into school his teacher freaked out and called the cops.
Needless to say we really are enemies now. I still think she could have restrained him without the injuries, I still think she is crazy, I am still mad my grandson was hurt so badly while in her care.
Do you wonder why he won't go??? Neither do I.

I must be old

2009-09-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today I am wearing a green plaid shirt, black jean shorts, purple shoes, and brown striped sox.
I was not trying to make a statement or anything, I have just gotten to the age that being to work alive means more than being there cute.
Those extra 5 or 10 minutes sleep in the morning have become so much more fun than being color coordinated.
I close my eyes and dream I live in a world where I do not have to get up yet. For just a few moments Kale will NOT be screaming when I wake his butt up
and Phoenix will not be throwing a kicky fit. There will be no chocate milt and pop tarts and nobody will be breathing on anybody else in the car.
The most strenuous thing I will do this day is stretch and play with my puppy. I won't have to chase the 4 year old out of the garden and into the car.
My boss will not give me 1,000 impossible tasks he wants done 5 minutes ago…. Etc…
After this 10 minutes of self delusion I get up, wake up BD and the boys, and begin the day. Unfortunately for everyone who looks at me I do not have time to match and I'm not "stylin" either.
Sorry world, you get it this way, or just turn your head and laugh.

I am a concession mogul

2009-08-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

OK it started with the candy/chip machine. Vern gave it to me because he did not want to be bothered with it any more. So we have been filling it up and using the money for gas.
Then Ryan got fired and he gave me his pop machine. Then he took it back. So my boss went over to the new building where there was sitting an unused pop machine and gave me that one. The new one happened to be full of pop! Then Ryan decided his was too big to move and gave me that one too.
Now I own 2 pop machines full of pop and a candy/ chip machine full of healthy NOT snacks.
The treats are great for the kids because we virtually NEVER run out. On the down side anytime anything goes wrong with these machines I have to take out the key and fix it.
Since taking over this empire I have made some startling discoveries:
Vending machines are mouse proof (believe me if they could get in they would)
My 4 year old grandson can make a Sprite come out with a penny
There are plain old lights in the door and you have to change a bulb.
The keys are a pain in the butt but you always have change
You CAN start a fire with a bag of Frito's. Just crumple the bag up, light it, and put it under the wood. True story. I have seen it done.

Early Childhood Education will never be the same.

2009-08-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today Kale led his second attempt at takeover and escape from ECE
Luckily his brother saw him running at the head of the pack of 4 year olds and body tackled him on the playground
Needless to say, Britt is on a first name basis with the principal now
Kale has only been in preschool for 5 days now and has led 2 rebellions and been to the principals office 3 times
Time out in the principals office should have a "reserved for Kale" sign on it.
We hope he gets over this soon, but it doesn't look promising. The thing is he never has been a "social" kind of kid.
He would rather keep all his stuff to himself and not have anyone else touch it. He would also rather play alone.
Sarah was like this. She once kicked all the beer cans out of Afton's car floor into the school parking lot and screamed at the principal that she was going to kill her because she did not want to go to Kindergarten that day.
All I can say is he will get over it because you can not leave the kids at home unless you want to home school them and

THAT AIN'T HAPPENING!!

It is only 33!!

2009-08-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Today I found a pair of crocks in my bathroom cupboard at work!
It is 6 months now that we have had the doggie. In that time she has eaten 33 pair of shoes.
Here is the list:
3 pair of the boys sandals (1 was Thomas the Train Light Up) 3
5 pair of the boys flip flops (2 were from those 3 piece outfits with flip flops on them) 8
2 pair of my church shoes 10
3 pair of Brittany's tennis shoes 13
1 pair of my tennis shoes 14
1 of my pink crocks 15
1 of my green crocks 16
Kale's sponge bob crocks 17
Kale's spider man crocks 18
Phoenix's spider man crocks 19
Phoenix's blue crocks 20
4 pair of Phoenix's tennis shoes 24
Brittany's purple and blue flip flops 26
Brit's boots, both pair 28
My leather slippers
29
Britt's Van's
30
3 pair of Dakota's tennis shoes 33

While I am a pretty patient mammallama, I have started to be just a little testy over the price of shoes. She also eats plastic, wood, stuffed toys, small metal toys, and all manner of paper. She ate an entire bag of maxi pads last weekend. We gotta find a solution soon.
She also dug a chuck hole to China in the back yard. The boys took it over and now it is a G.I. Joe bunker. They even cut tree branches to camouflage it.

The C Word

2009-07-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

Monday night a bug crawled into my house. I nearly died when I realized what it was.
The day had been a particularly crappy one and it lacked but that to make it total Schnit.
Tonja had placed a box of potato flakes on the bottom shelf of the microwave cart, and it ended up in the box.
EEEEEWWWWWW what a terrible feeling.
To make matters worse.. Dakota heard us say the "C" word
and went around telling the boys all about it. Then the 3 of them had a C….. Party. They spent the next
3 or 4 hours repeating the "C" word to each other and yelling from various parts of the house that they had seen a bug with this name. Later at the grocery store they took turns telling anyone who would listen that we had this kind of bug and they saw it! All over the house!, in every room!.
The next morning I spent $100.00 to procure the means for BD to spray, gel, trap, clean, and eliminate any and all traces of "C" 's.
We are stinking poor and have no grocery money, but there will be NO "C" 's in my house.
If I have to move, I will move.
If I have to spend 50% of my time with bleach and spray,
I will do it.
But I will NOT live in a house with a "C".
Call me neurotic if you will, but my childhood was too horribly filled with this "C" bug and I can NOT stand them now. Every 4 or 5 years I would take my kids to see my mother so they would know her a little. They were equally grossed-out by the "C" 's. If I could eliminate one thing from earth. It would be all the "C" 's.

A Friend

2009-07-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today should have been an average Monday. It should have been very busy with payroll and hunting down the workers who did not report their time correctly. That should have been my day.
It was NOT that average Monday day.
Today my friend died. This past spring, he gave me a car. We have inhabited the same workplace for 3 1/2 years. I have a hole in my heart for Shaun today. He is a really nice man.
Be good to your friends and family. Be nice to everyone you can. You might blink and they will be gone. Taken away before you had a chance to heal that hurt or end the fued.
I love you Sarah. From the day you barreled your way into the world screaming like a little white haired angel with a bad attitude. Till the day you left my house with your 2 wonderful boys a few days ago.. I have never stopped loving you.
I love you Tobi. From the moment you took your first breath till the day you drove away (looking left with a stiff neck)... I have never stopped loving you.
If the world keeps me on it for a hundred years I will never stop loving you.
I love you Xandra. From the moment you were born till this moment and every moment in between.. I have loved you as only a grandmother could.
If I have done anything bad or stupid and it has offended any of you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.
Life is short and my friend was only 49 years old. He planned to go to Vegas when he turned 50 this year a few days after my birthday. He wanted to be just like you and me and live on and on. He had 2 cats which will be coming to live with me soon.
Don't turn your back on love, everyone needs to be loved and to love.

The garlic is missing!

2009-07-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight we are having pork tenderloin. It is supposed to be Garlic Pork Tenderloin but ...The garlic is missing. OK I know I bought this jar of minced garlic on the 9th of this month. I know it came home with me because I have been moving it every 3 or 4 days so I can get to my Cheese slices and then putting it back in front of them in the door of the fridge. Now the whole jar is gone.
"Where do vanished items go? Into non-being which is to say everything".
No way, did I just quote Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? Yes, I did. Anyway the world just got a little smellier because the garlic is gone. But I have to wonder, where does the stuff hide while we rip our houses apart room by room looking for it? Is there a room of requirement in my house with all the chuckling sox and keys in it? Are there piles and piles of my mail sitting in some secret chamber waiting for a chance to fall on me?
The sock thing is out of control. I have a giant basket full of un-mated sox. I think I am going to buy 300 pairs of the same sox from now on so I can loose 1/2 of them and not care.
I saw the Harry Potter movie last Saturday and it was soooooo good. I already knew the plot from the books but the whole thing was so much better than I had guessed it would be. Ron is very funny in this movie. The whole book is there except my favorite chapter ever written by JK "Will and Won't". Ah... to see the Dursleys with glasses bouncing on their heads. A small let down. Other than that it is wonderful.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

2009-06-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Today did not start out well.
I had a huge hole in my tire and pulled over into Prairie Dog city to change it.
So I thought I would call work and see if one of the manly men there would come rescue me from the Plague riddled area and fix my tire.
NO They were all busy doing "manly" work things.
I changed my first flat tire today. HA I did it with nothing but a book and a little tiny jack kit thingy. HA
I kept wondering if one of the Prairie Dogs was gonna bite me in the butt for sitting so near them and give me Bubonic Plague.
They seemed to think it was the better part to ignore me (since I was sitting in all the Plague germs they left on the ground?)
It may be that I am contaminated with Plague germs on my shorts and shoes, but I triumphed over the tire!!
Meanwhile, several of these manly men have stopped by my desk to check up on their paycheck's progress.. What gall. I have a can of fix a flat on my desk and a sour look on my face.
There will BE NO PAYROLL QUESTIONS TODAY.

Clumsy??

2009-06-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

Clumsy don't mean stupid.
Just because I tripped over the contents of the bad bag from WalMart which gave out and dumped in front of my feet as I was walking to put it away
doesn't mean I'm clumsy
The arm in the sling and the several bandages on my body
do not mean I rolled like a 1960's space capsule on re-entry or that I landed like one either... Ker Splash
The crooked glasses and corresponding hole in the door
does not really prove the theory of a graceless face-plant
The fact that I limped into work today
proves I am not totally wiped out, doesn't it?
Or is this just another sign of stupidity showing back up at the scene of the wipeout??
Maybe tomorrow I won't wake up wondering if anyone got the number of the truck that hit me. Meanwhile, I stumble on.
Wounded but still kicking

Fun Fun Fun

2009-06-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

There has been a giant upheaval in the household for the last week. Summer is here and with it we get Dakota. I love each and every one of my Grandchildren, but put 3 hyper boys in a house together and whoa nelly is there a lot of stuff going on. We now have 2 military bases (made of turned over furniture and blankets) A haunted house made of toy boxes and a turned over couch and beds. And the bathroom door is history. Evidently, nobody, not-me, and I don't know broke it. There are no dry towels in this house and all the shorts are wet too. Hoses are for soaking. The trampoline is dead and we need to get a new one. I believe one of the Jedi used the force on it and broke the springs during the epic battle last week. During the boxing match Kale got a great bruise on his face. Phoenix has stripes on his limbs from the Kung Fu battle with Ninja sticks. Dakota has no shoes left in the place because while he was pretending to be a pitt Bull and biting the dog she evidently took it to heart and ate his shoes later in revenge. There is also no food in the house because 13 year olds can EAT. Nothing is sacred. He will eat it unless it runs out the door first. 4 gallons of milk last 2 days! Ice cream is bought in the giant bucket size and we just keep the koolaid faucet running. He can also (assisted by Phoenix) eat one of those HUGE bags of cereal in a day. I love the caos!! Tonight we taught them to table dance for dollars!!
No what really happened was I bought them each shirts and flip flops and Dakota pointed out that they all match, at which point I had a mutiny on my hands and had to give them each a dollar to pose.
Gotta go.. Smoke alarm usually means trouble...

Drip Drip Drip

2009-05-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

I am at home today doing the watch the boys thing. This is the 23rd episode of Sponge Bob whatever pants I have (listened) to while doing the laundry, cleaning, feeding the dog, and generally trying to stay the heck away from the TV. (Somebody get me a gun)
Of course, since we all had to be here for whatever this holiday is, the weather is Hurricane force rain outside. I'm not kidding it is pouring. And has been pouring for 3 days. The kids are bored, the trampoline is falling apart, the ground looks like Bikini Bottom, and the dog smells bad. Usually when I am watching the boys I can kick back with the (little green music holder) and rock out. However, since it is colder than an ice cube and Kale keeps stripping down and going outside to see if that rain is still cold... I have no Muzak to sooth me except what I can drum up in my soggy brain. I mentally can not bring any songs to mind except the theme song to Sponge Bob so here goes with my version:
Who lives in a barnacle under my butt?
Who screams every minute and acts like a putz?
Who's shows most annoying in all of TV?
If screaming insanity is something you need,
Turn on Nickelodeon and finally go nuts.
OK so it is not the best poem I ever wrote, but I am working with one brain cell activated and a huge psychological deficit here.

The BLA (guh) of it

2009-05-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have a small confession:

What I do not understand about this blog spot would fill a very large bucket
I am not very technologically proficient
Can't do pictures (attaching, editing, removing)
Can't do backgrounds (colors, moving objects, links)
Sometimes can post a blog or edit one.
Very proficient at deleting the one I meant to save and having to re type it.
Exemplary at miss-spelling and skipping a word.

My daughter Sarah is using her webcam as a normal camera and sending out pictures of her son's latest haircut.
Not to be jealous or anything (I really appreciate the pix) but darn it I can barely aim and click the camera.

Tobi (also a daughter) has her self portrait on the web. Which she took herself. I would be lucky to have 1/2 my thumb and a blur on the photo.

Britt (also a daughter are you seeing a trend here?) puts all these cool pictures and backgrounds on her blog.

My antitechnologyism is really getting to me. Last week I texted an Egyptian hieroglyph to Brit's phone.
She forwards my texts to Tobi and Sarah for interpretation, then gets her sisters consensus on what I meant to text, then texts me back.
All this is done faster than I can do the first screw-up.

So call me the reigning queen of terrible at technology then please Tobi, get me a new background and some cute pix.

Thanks

Mammallamma

Ode de toydee

2009-05-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

O Charmin you are so soft & sweet
I never use you without a little sigh
and even though you are for my butt and tweet (er)
I love you more than that gas station brand BD buys

Thank you Sarah for the ton-o-fun you sent to me for mothers day
I love the softness and sweetness of it and after all the chocolate BD made for me, it was most useful.
We shall be well-prepared for the visitation of the members of Stark Industries.
My hemorrhoids salute you.
(Now there's a visual for ya)

Boom Boom

2009-05-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

This was a picture of a gun
Tomorrow is Armed Forces Day. Yee Haw.
In consideration of what day it is I wanted to dedicate this blog to my son in law Joel who is my Army man.
Sorry for the missing picture of old guns Joel, but this is the best gun picture I could find in my age group.
Thank you for serving our country and beating down the enemy of our great nation: (Guitar Hero)
Thank you for the millions of hours spent in ultra boredom and for the communal sleep in a giant sand-infested flea pit.
Thank you for the armpits of death you endured for months on end. Thanks for the crappy food consumption and the holidays spent away from all you love.
Thank you for dressing in 90+ pounds of uniform and armor to go out in 100+ degrees.
And last but not least, thank you for always having my fake son-in-law grin ready for my lovely daughter when you get home.

The dreaded 8

2009-05-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

8 Things I look forward to:
When my mind and body finally agree what age we are
Every call from any of my kids
The day I conquer the cell phone or the computer
4:30pm Monday through Friday
The day I own my own house (not that renting has stopped me from improving it mind you)
Packages, gifts, treatsies, surprises!!!
Trying any new kind of chocolate
Visiting the grand kids

8 Things I did yesterday
Talked to Tobi (she sounds like she is Minni Me Mouse)
Built Mothers day cards with the kids
Taught a Primary lesson
Went to Church
Taught Phoenix and Kale to play marbles
All the laundry
Carried a 4 year old with 2 casts on her legs around sharing time
Cleaned Kale's room to find his Superman Costume

8 Things I wish I could do
See all 10 of my Grand kids together at once
Keep the dog from eating shoes
Exercise without cardiac repercussions
Take a long Hawaiian vacation
Swim every day
Help all my kids with money
Shop for new furniture
Move to a better neighborhood

8 Shows I watch
Survivor
Escape to Chimp Eden
Iron Chef
House
Star Trek (whenever it is on)
uh… That's it

Some reasons I will not tag anyone
Don't know 8 bloggers
Do not want to anger anyone
I do eat chocolate at least 3 times a day so I am mellow
It took me 3 days to complete this

Happy Mothers Day

2009-05-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

What makes a mother? It is definitely not the ability to cook, or clean, or sew, or even give birth. It is the ability to nurture. To love someone more than yourself. Motherhood is about support and character building. About Constant Vigilance, teaching, and protection. To care for and about that being even when they are at their most un-lovable. Through all the illnesses, sleepless nights, corny school plays, a B+ on homework (you mostly did for them), sports events they lost, ice cream headaches, tooth fairy night maneuver's, and other less challenging moments; you watch them with a sparkle in your eye (and some times a twitch in that eye too) and love in your heart that can not be described in words. It is knowing that this person is yours and you are theirs... forever. If the world stopped tomorrow and all the universe ceased to exist, being a mother was the one thing I did which I am proud of. Look at these people, I did that!!

A Bone to pick

2009-04-29T10:59:00.001-07:00

There are 206 bones in the human body. I actually have had one removed so I have less. In the 70/80's I could have named them all. Now all I want is for the ones I have to stop aching.

How the heck did I get old? I don't feel this old mentally. I still want to play (the soul is willing, the flesh is weak). I still crave the things I craved in my 20's. How did this happen?

It seems like yesterday I was in college and my kids were babies. Now I have 10 grandkids! How the heck did I get 10 grandkids? (One or more of my children had sex, I just know it).

There are many changes associated with getting older which I must say have been less than fun. Who changed my hair to grey? I can barely hear anymore if there is background noise. My patience is better, but who wants me to wait for anything now? If I want something, I just work for it or go get it. I have faulty eyesight and someone moved my waist down south somewhere out of the country.
The point of the geriatric biology rant is that I protest! Everything seems to be on a downward slide when I should be free to be me. When I was younger I put everything I wanted on hold and raised the kids. I couldn't just sling the kids aside and go do what I wanted, I had responsibilities. After they all leave and I am a single entity again, the body falls apart. That is SO not fair. Where is the justice in this system? Maybe I am finally having a fleshy breakdown to go with the mental breakdown I had a hundred catastrophe's ago?.

Sit up and beg

2009-04-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

OK so now I can text with a degree of suckitude that is acceptable. It is nowhere near as fast or perfect as the younger generation, but it is not unintelligible gibberish any more either. I get about every 4th or 5th word wrong, misspelled, or changed in translation. On the whole I have mixed emotions about text ing.
On the plus side:
My boss can't spy on me and hear what I am saying to whoever I text.
There is no "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" tune associated with it.
It saves time.

On the minus side:
It is less personal.
The keys are small.
There is no Hands Free text ing.
Actually the whole text ing thing can be whacked because if you have no bars you are screwed either way.
So I guess the shiny new is off this one.

However, I must print a retraction. You can teach an old dog new tricks.

Roll over and play dead

2009-04-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Such is the case really. My daughter called me yesterday and told me we have a new service on our cell phones; text messaging! I was over-joyed. Taking phone in hand I leaped into the new Milena and text ed the following: "z,mnfa;iepru39gig nanc274-1n,zmnf'sdfja'kfj"
The darn phone tries to anticipate what I am spelling and leaps to the wrong word every time. If I try to back up or keep going it just keeps guessing.... WRONG. I can spell the words to and the. End of understanding between me and the text messaging machine.
Thus, my little minions if you do not get a text from mom at all, or get one which is incoherent babbling..
Yes it really is from me and you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Buttocksicants

2009-04-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

My boss, wonderful man that he is offered me a gym membership. If I will go, he will pay.

The offer is a double edged sword. If he pays I MUST go because it would seem ungrateful of me to not go.
However... If I go I may just die. Seriously, I have a heart problem.
There is also the matter of my buttocksicants. I am used to a certain amount of cushioning in the rear. In fact I am used to a certain level of creature comforts which do NOT include sweat rolling off my body, fast movement of the vertical mass, or leaving my home.
A good book, a good movie, a good steak, chocolate sin cake, and a diet coke. Arranging these things takes time, effort, and $. These are the things I like around me. My dog and grandchildren are also invited as long as they don't try any poaching on my cake.
Buttocksicants are the hormones and fat levels in my body telling me to "just say no" to exercise. For 53 years they have ruled my body.
On the other hand, it is free. On the other hand me in yellow and blue spandex? On the other hand everything is headed south. Did I mention the spandex?
Dilemma in deed.

De-hurt-full retraction

2009-04-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

So, having been duly chastised by my wonderful daughter who selflessly took her children to the Easter Egg Hunt... I Mammallama now print my de-hurt-full retraction.
You are not the worst monee on the earth for not coloring eggs with your children. You are all that is wonderful and wise and fed them healthy wabbit food after the hunt. I am bad and posted an internet-wide blogger alert to the world that you did not color eggs: which you and only you will ever read. (My other 2 followers will never be aware how bad I am).
Obviously you were indulged too much by their awful mother and pampered far too much with the dye and egg routine. Only constant vigilance will prevent me from making such an announcement again however as I am old and forgetfull.
And anyways, I can't take out an add in the Rocky Mountain News as the paper went belly-up a month ago and closed forever.

Global Warming?

2009-04-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

Wow.
It is 40 below outside and there is a blizzard. It is April 5th!! OK so hell has frozen over, why isn't Joel blogging?
He has writers block? A broken arm? (possible)
A prior commitment to type?
HA!
My daughters all type. Maybe it is a man thing? Oh well, we did not want to know what was going on in your life anyway. Take that slobber mouth!
Meanwhile on the home front . . .
Joshua has put in another change of address to the post office. That means that we are once again NOT getting our mail. Neither is he of course. Every few months he or his wife go to the Montghetto post office and try to control the bureaucracy. Other than probable entertainment value for the pissed off postal workers, the effect of this is that we get NO mail for a few weeks afterward. I swear my son and his wife both have ESP because they always do this when we are expecting something important in the mail. We ordered a series of books. Now the only thing I got today was my son's bank statement.
Luckily, he called me to tell me this time so I am not left just wondering where my books are. They are being held hostage at the mail center, or just being used to warm some disgruntled postal workers house as there is a blizzard outside right now. We never see this mail when he does this. It has disappeared into the postal void forever. This is the 3rd time he has done this.
Welcome to reality son.
There is a USPS and they really do not care.
A lot. All the time.

2009-04-03T13:07:00.001-07:00

To my dumb (see picture) daughter.
Explaining to me why you did not just spread out the mats I bought for the car so your evile children could not spill any more
candy, chips, french fries, soda, chochate nilk, water, gatorade, flarf in a can, cookies, pancake on a stix, chickken
nunnets, more candy, and all the wrappers, bags, receipts, packaging, boxes, and or covers associated with those things
does NOT make it OK that the mats are still not on the floor of the car. Tossing them into the back seat in a heap
does NOT cover up the carpet stain the size and color of a grapefruit back there. The fact that the mats are in the car means you did see them.
What did you think I bought them for? The 7 times I have had you clean out the car since I bought them it did not occur to you I meant them to be placed
in the back seat floor? (See Above) Move your tushie out to the driveway immediately and put them in place!!

2009-04-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

Snow snow go away, come again some other day. That could be our theme song for March/ April here in Colorado. Every other couple of days we get a snow pounding. From 2" to 15". Then the weather goes back to 60 or 70 degrees and it all melts. Then it snows again. Yesterday evening it snowed a couple of inches, now it is all gone. Saturday is supposed to be snowy again (6 inches). I am not sure what the weather is doing, but we did not have any real winter weather so I guess it is good. I have lost all faith in the Weatherman but mostly he has been within a few days of each change. On last nights weather forecast he said it was "partly cloudy with a 65% chance of snow". I looked out and it was snowing. Hey buddy, get a window installed in the TV station broadcasting area.

What a weird spring

2009-03-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today I am at home. Spring is here. Along with Spring we got 15" of snow. This is the first snow storm we have had this whole Winter/Spring that left any real accumulation of snow. The interesting thing about this is that we had all the kids home for spring break. I have sent them outside with our newly purchased snow shovels (they were on clearance on Wednesday when I went to the store) and a mandate to move the snow off the sidewalk. I can hear them moving the snow on the patio around in the back yard. Yesterday they buried the dog twice in snow up to her nose. Luckily, this is a very fun-loving dog and she just shook it off, climbed out of the mound and play bit the shovel for a while. Today, armed with shovels and a brightly shining sun to melt it a bit, they should be able to make some huge fortress of defense or some such thing in the yard. Meanwhile, having a free KIA for a car I have not been to work for 2 days as the blizzard and accumulated snow make the probability of my wrecking almost 100%. I will go tomorrow and spend 1/2 a day piddling around. Nobody at my work can work in snow this deep. We do construction.. outdoor only. I did call this morning and they said "Don't come in". Hopefully the mailman will get here today. He did not make it yesterday. The kids are quiet now so I better go see what terrible thing they are up to.
Anywho happy Friday!!

Grandmother Hood

2009-03-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

Ah Grandmotherhood what a great state of being.
All the fun and none of the responsibility. It doesn't bother me if they eat donuts for breakfast because tomorrow they will be back with Mom & Dad toeing that healthy eating line. The fits and crying is going to end soon because their parental units will be coming back to take over. So I bought them a toy and let them play with play dough on your living room carpet, so what? I'll be gone and you get to clean it up. Cupcakes before dinner? Who told you that? We played hide and seek in your bedroom? Who said we couldn't? Make them clean up their mess, wash themselves, eat dinner first, behave? Don't ever say it. That is anti-amoo-istic.
Grand motherhood is ideal for those of us unfulfilled moms. The more irritated and agitated the parents of your grand kids get, the happier you become.
It is a carma thing. "Let your children do unto you as you did to me".
And man does it work.

Tobi was the princess and her father and his parents made NO bones about it. I was a wart on the end of her prince Charming's nose. Daddy was the greatest thing ever invented, and I was second to everyone else in her lineup. I was incapable of doing it right, and let me tell you when a 5 year old pops off regularly about how "You're doing it wrong!", that hurts.
AH the sweetest little dumpling on the earth is Cora. She has figured out which buttons to push on Monie and she does it really well.
My Grandmother Carma alarm goes into peals of delight whenever I see that girl.
Joshua was the martyr. Every time Dakota hangs his head and acts like he is dying from the request his parents just made, I nearly fall over with glee. What? He is failing Art? No kidding, let me see, what grades did you get in Jr. High? He only wants to play games and has 3 girlfriends at 11? No! Dalton is throwing a fit for a giant radio control Hummer and you said NO? Let Amoo get that for you Darling.

Sarah was self contained. All she needed was a kinky and a thumb. Nothing I provided or did mattered to her. She had the world figured out and wanted to be left the hell ALONE. She even did not like the name I gave her and made us all call her Michelle for years and years. She moved under the stairs once to get away from all of us.
Ian is a jewel. He thinks he knows everything and wants to do it ALONE. It is almost more than I can bear because she also got the "Girly Girl" Xandra. It is like if I went out and picked a kid to torture Sarah the most, it would be a girly girl. TEE HEE Not to mention the shoe thing, (rapturous waves here) that your daughter would be in love with the one thing you are most possessive over is very Carmic and she is officially her mother's size now!!

When ever Phoenix throws a screaming tantrum and Kale announces that he has "stones and a man stick in my pants", besides being a little emarrassed, I come close to a brain embolism of happy retribution. Brittany looks like the Secretary of State when the whole world has gone to DEFCON 3 and the President calls on the Red Phone for an accounting. Her eyes shoot fire at the kids but all she can do is make these horrible faces and watch as the whole (store, doctor's office, mall, dentist's office, whatever) turns to see who's really BAD children these are and watch the drama. I just gratefully slip into the other aisle to shake with laughter. You were SO BAD as a child Brittany.
Yes, being a Grandmother is like a giant Carma fest. You took it like a trooper lady, now come get some back!!

The whole thing was a plot. You and the prince were in league the whole time.

2009-03-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

Ok so I talked to dumbellina and he married her in September. Supposedly, it was by force. Who held the rifle? He was tired of her parents complaining about the fact that they were "living in sin" and she was whining about this all the time.
This is why I am single. No body (male or female) over the age of 10 should be allowed to whine. This should be an offense punishable by removal of voice-box forever.
I guess you could say he got whined into it?
I can tell you how it really went, he gave in so the rich in-laws would find him more acceptable. I am the poor relation and I admit not caring that I am the poor relation, so I don't count.
Lets take a poll here.
1. Do you have a responsibility to let the woman who squoze you forth from her loins know that you have added a member to your family? Even if she is the poor relation?
2. If you drop your progeny off to be baby-sat by your relative more than 1/2 their summers and time off school, does that constitute "keeping in touch with Mom"?
3. If you have more fast food take out places on your speed dial than the yellow pages, but can't remember your Mother's phone # or when Mother's Day is, is that a Freudian slip?
4. If the phrase "We didn't tell anyone" means you only told your Parents in law, your kids, everyone at work, your POS father, all your new wife's co-workers, all the people you "hang" with, and just not your relatives on your mother's side of the family, is this prejudicial?

My dummy of a son strikes again

2009-03-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with men in general? What is wrong with my son? He got married 2 days after my birthday and did not tell me. HELLO it is 4 months later and I found out from my daughters on the phone last night. Married!! Yes, actually I can believe this. He diss'es me every Mother's day and says he "forgot". He totally blanks out my birthday every year and says he "forgot". (It is a freeking HOLIDAY). He ignores me every Christmas and stops at the grocery store on the way over to pick up the loot for his kids and claims that he is broke again this year, then gives me a random something he bought 3 minutes before he got there.
So what about the girl. She has been in my house several times since the event, why did she not say something??? Hello, I married your son yesterday? Oh look, the ring I've had for 3 years is really a wedding band now? I changed my name to your last name the other day?? By the way your son did the cutest thing the other day... he married me?
Maybe I am old fashioned but isn't this supposed to be an event?
Maybe I am stuck in the past, but isn't this supposed to be something you celebrate?
Maybe I should have asked "Hey, what did you guys do for my birthday this year?"
Help me Obi Wan, you're my only hope.

I have found them

2009-03-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

Girl Scout Cookies. We have searched the greater Denver area for them and finally found the mother load! Britt spent every penny we have on them. I would have gone into debt personally for the crunchy goodness of thin mints and Samoas. They only come once a year so we will be fighting over the last box. The boys are not as enthused as BD and I are. They would really rather have a toy.
I would like to line my small freezer in the boxes and keep this delicious treat all year long. Alas, Samoas, I knew thee well.

2009-02-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

FRIDAY BOOYAH
It just does not get any better than this. You can see the weekend clearly from here.
The work week is nearly done and 1/2 the people take today off as part of their weekend anyway.
I personally love Fridays because the phones are generally slow, the boss leaves early, we may get to leave early, and best of all… when I get off I am not coming right back after some sleep!
The recreational part of my life begins tonight!!
WOO HOO
Bring out the scrabble and orange soda.
The party animal in me is flexing her claws. I might even wash the dog.

2009-02-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

Thursday is the day you wait. I am currently waiting for Friday.
Thursday happens very close to the week-end and if you are careful and quiet you can see Saturday coming.
Usually things pick up at the grindage because everyone wants to get it all done by Friday afternoon.
You begin to see signs of life and the future doesn't seem so far down the road now.
Today in my little section of the work area I am wearing my readers because I forgot my real glasses.
The boss had me book a room in Cortez Colorado for some delivery or other and the light at the end of the tunnel
is actually visible. Yes, it is true, this week has an end and it's almost here!!

2009-02-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

Wednesday
Wednesday is the day which marks the beginning of the better part of the grindage.
The first 2 days are terrible and much groaning and grimacing accompany them.
This day has a little lift at the end of it because the grind is 1/2 over when Wednesday ends. Here at my work it is also pay day, so everyone attends the grind today. Payday and being able to see the of the end of this week are great reasons to be here on Wednesday.
By Wednesday you actually have remembered what you were doing on Friday and with any luck, you have finished most of it by now.
The grindage seems to have a lighter grey color on Wednesday afternoon
All extracurricular activities occur on Wednesday nights. (Baseball practice, Karate practice, Whiffle Ball practice) Some sports director somewhere decided we are awake enough by Wednesday evening to deliver kids to the practices. I babysit while BD works.
This is a test of my patience and the kids' ability to work a nerve. So far, they are winning big time.
So here is a cheer for Wed Nes Day. The middle of the week is here!

Terrible Tuesday

2009-02-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

Terrible Tuesday
Tuesday is the second day of the grind. It is not as much of a shock as Monday was to your system, yet it isn't far enough into the week to be a good day either.
Tuesday begins a little earlier than Monday as you haven't got the "I got used to sleeping in" excuse to use on this day.
Most serious work begins on Tuesday since everyone wandered around on Monday talking about the weekend all day.
Also most serious work dodging begins on Tuesday. My boss doesn't show up until Tuesdays because the previous day is a recovery day for him.
When the boss shows up it is like a hurricane goes through the office. Suddenly paper starts flying, chairs throw their occupants out into the isles,
or people in the isles run for their chairs, laughter and talk stop, writing implements fly, the calculators clickety click, file drawers open and close,
the computers flash as all the internet connections go down, and a hundred mouses click at once.
This day should be taken out of the week just for being so boring. In fact, the only good thing about Tuesday is that Monday is over.
Let the monotony continue.

Not me Mondays.... ew!

2009-02-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

MONDAYS
MONDAY UCK.
Monday is the first day of the grind.
You go to work and pretend you remember what you were doing Friday, then pretend to continue doing it.
Every other earth dweller at your work complains that the weekend days are shorter and go faster than the workdays.
This will generallly be the topic of discussion most of the morning on Grind Day.
Smile and nod. Phrases like "you're not kidding" and "It went so fast" will help with this affirmation of a time warp.
Do not become alarmed, there is no break in the space time continum.
The weekend days seem to go faster because we do not stare at a clock all day wishing it would move faster.
Time at work on Monday is called "the grind". This reference has absolutely nothing to do with the speckled black and
brown remains in a filter.
"Grind" when used in reference to Monday means the heel of your respective boss' shoe which is placed on your neck when you walk through the door of your workplace and is usually removed only on Friday afternoon when he goes golfing. Without you.
It is called "the" grind because each one is taylor made just for your mind's torture.
Sometime when we are all sleeping as children, someone measured us and created work to slowly turn us all into homicidal maniacs. This is best known as going Postal, because it works best on the mailman.
Thus every Monday we trudge in to our prison and start out a 5 day course of work and take up the monotony call.

One week later....

2009-02-17T17:20:00.001-08:00

The lump on the noggin was the worst of the bruise damage.

What is really funny about this post is that like the quoter that I am I always say "and then I'll turn green, and grow a second head". This is from Fraggle Rock and is usually in reference to something I believe will never happen.

So due to circumstances beyond my control, I grew the second head (a goose egg) and then turned green. Evidently, I can turn green. The lovely lump from the lava lamp turned into a lovely green bruise and is sliding off my head onto my forehead.

The second funny thing I want you to know is that I had decided to wear yellow spandex and be Wolverine for the family reunion which all of us had decided would be Super Hero themed.

The 3 wounds on the back of my hands actually hurt the worst of any of the injuries on my body and I have officially decided the look might not be worth the effort.

There is no cute way of presenting these pictures. The road rash starts here and goes on down to the knees. 9 days old, it looks like someone beat me with a hammer. For the sake of semi-modesty I draped and covered and shot the pix from weird angles. Hope you (especially my son in laws) are not gouging your own eyes out right about now. I left out the chin, stomach and thighs, hoping to keep that illusion of beauty and boobs!

Anyway I wanted to blog something funny and the state of the body right now is funny. All I need is to be in a car wreck with someone I am mad at. I could get anyone arrested. "Look, he beats me all the time!"

At work they think I have formed some old ladies Fight Club and am bare knuckle brawling at night. The rational is that I could not get this many cuts, bruises and lumps on my own without being in a serious fight. They keep asking me if I am OK at home with BD. Like she is boozing it up and clobbering me at night. As IF.

I would kick her trash.

The best week - and the worst week

2009-02-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

OK This is getting crazy around my life.
Today a man at work gave me a vending machine.
That's right, a vending machine.
We were all complaining that he never fills the thing up and it has been empty for several weeks and he turned to me and said he would give it to me if I wanted it. So I filled it up and here we are with a vending machine.
Crazy huh? I watched him clean all the quarters out of it and he said he makes about $1,200 a year on the machine if he keeps it filled.
I am not sure what to do except go with it.......
AND RAISE THE PRICES!!
Hey, the guy who owned it before was not filling it up because the price of things has gotten so high he was only making 3 cents an item.
So I changed the prices and filled it up. We will see if it works!
I can not imagine it will sell less than it already does and if it does then I'll stop putting stuff in it.

Meanwhile, I expect to be in the hospital or worse tomorrow anyway. I have had 2 really bad accidents this week and tomorrow is Friday the 13th! I fell down the driveway on Monday and bumped my chin on the curb. I have several large bruises up and down my front. My right hand looks like Wolverine after he pulls back in the claws, only it's road rash.
Last night I pulled a Lava lamp down onto my forehead in BD's bed while I was asleep "*&^%$*". It really hurt and now I have a goose egg and a bruise on my head also.
Maybe tomorrow I'll let BD drive me to work since I seem to be on some sort of mission for injury this week.
Anyway it has been a crazy crazy crazy life so far and this week seems to be destined to make a memorable one out of itself.

The dog is NOT a puppy!

2009-02-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

The dog is not a puppy. So why does she chew virtually everything except what she is supposed to? I am a giant chew toy. The old beds are chew toys. The pencils and pens and crayons in the house, chew toys. The blankets and sheets, chew toys. The children's toys, chew toys. Every shoe known to have graced any ones foot in the house, chew toys. Plastic cups, paper plates, Kleenex, t.p., paper towels, sponges, paint brushes, and oven mitts, you guessed it, chew toys!
The friggin chew toys we buy by the dozen?, ignored chew toys. She spits the rawhide bonz and chaser ballz back at me like they are poison.
This is not a stupid dog. The other night Phoenix did not finish his hostess cupcake and left it on my bedside table. The dog snatched it up and ran. I screamed "NO BAD DOG" and then sensing that I was too late I lectured her on the possible death she faced from Chocolate and how bad it was for her, etc.... She had not gone 3 feet away and she just stood there cowering and looking at me. When I was done she spit the whole darn cupcake back up on the floor. She had not even chewed it. It still had some t.p. around it from when I took it from Phoenix and wrapped it up. As I said this is not a stupid dog. Since then she has NEVER touched anything on my bedside table. I write this as I have taken from her mouth in the last 5 minutes, a pen, 1/2 of a sponge paintbrush, a peg from the bookcase, and a wad of t.p.
The other thing I have a problem with for Cheyenne is that she will NOT wear any kind of leash, halter, or collar. She chews them off. She actually growled at me when I tried to put one on. I think someone tied her up and beat her or something. Anyway, she is upstairs now terrorizing something so I better go find her.

My thing is broke

2009-02-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

It's official, my blog spot is broken. I must sincerely apologize to all of the blog visitors here for this. My "I tag" thing dropped some of my responses, perhaps in boredom, and my muzak is stuck on the Grinch song.
Since I have NO clue how to change these things we are all stuck with it.
I would send an SOS to Tobi (the blogmaster) but she is out making her debit card smoke at the Mecca by now as her taxes finally came.
Deal with the lame outdated muzak and 1/2 dead profile people we are in a recession here.

Yes, this is a pitiful attempt to shame my blogmaster to fix the blog.

What wandering I do

2009-02-03T15:09:00.001-08:00

What is the deal?
About a year ago I started taking Ambien to sleep
You take the pill and blammo, 15 minutes later you are out. Or so I thought.
Then one day I discovered that I was missing time. I started the movie "Hellboy" and I vaguely remember turning it off. When I turned the DVD player on the next day, it was at the end of the movie. I remember about 10 minutes of the movie. I actually was up and playing with my grandson and watching the movie for a couple of hours after my memory ends.
Since that incident I have been having these sleep "walking" episodes a lot. From what my kids say I guess I am coherent, agile, and able to do complicated tasks like cooking.. all while technically asleep. I don't know if I really am "asleep" but I have only vague memories, if any the next day of what I did. Last night I painted my grandson Kale's room blue.
I remember the beginning of the process like taping up the doors and the floors, but I woke up without a spot of blue on me… so either I bathed or I am a better painter when I am asleep than when I am awake.
I have painted 4 rooms in my home, sewed up a bunch of pant hems for my grandson, cooked, cleaned, done laundry, had several dozen conversations with various people, even put the trash out on the curb.
The one activity I find most bizarre is that I cook when I am unaware I am doing it. One day I woke up to a wonderful smell and discovered I had cooked a whole turkey dinner the night before. I have since made corned beef in the crock pot and a couple different roasts (all of which I do not remember doing).
I seem to have no ill effects from all this night time adventuring and I stay in the house, so who can say why I am doing it and if it is bad or good?
I only know I wish I had this when my kids were growing up. My house is easier to clean when I don't know I'm doing it.

Yes Virginia there still is a Santa Clause

2009-01-29T15:57:00.000-08:00

Wow what a day. A man at work gave me a car today! A car. Not just a POS either. A real working running car. What a wonderful gift. Here I was just feeling sorry for me with no car and POW there it is ... instant car!

2009-01-23T14:28:00.000-08:00

Thing one and thing two thing two and thing one
they are the most fun under the son(s)
The doggies are fun, most of the time. Yesterday Kale had a medical problem and BD took him to the ER. When we got home the basement floor was gone. This was what I had to remove to find it then clean up pee and poop too!!
They had chewed up and scattered the following stuff:
a stuffed dog toy of Xandras about the size of a small cat
a nail file talk about your roughage
several mcdonalds wrappers and empty cups straws are apparently un- shreadable
a set of pantyhose yes they were pink, and now they are gone
a couple of towels one white, one Ironman
3 crocks in assorted colors and sizes One red white and blue, one spiderman, one black fleece
my tennis shoes Beyond recall
a trash can (plastic) only a dollar, but truly spectacularly torn up
3 plastic bags from WalMart free, fun, and gone
SEVERAL TOYS I have no idea what they were prior to detonation
2 toilet paper rolls these make great noises prior to death
1 paper towel roll ditto
a king size blanket More fun than the towels I think
a standard pillow and case disappeared
several balls all missing chunks
3 Plastic cups also smashed, thrashed, broken, bye bye
a giant bag of candy from Kale's Birthday party
nothing but tiny bits of wrapper for miles and miles
(Kale is very picky and won't eat most candy)
I caught them with my nail scrubbing brush this morning and took it away.
Maybe I will have a house tonight, I'll let you know
They also chewed up the tissues in the bathroom trash, but that is toooooo gross to mention

Thing 1 and Thing 2

2009-01-21T17:14:00.000-08:00

We are in the midst of naming them. For now Thing 1 and Thing 2 are fine.
The smallest dog is very fiesty. You can tell they are scared of people and have not been fed for a few days. There is a list of what they have eaten which is growing. The littler female has a lot of color in her legs and she whines a lot, I am not sure what she wants. By bedtime tonight there should be 2 dog tired little boys!

All I wanted for Christmas

2009-01-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

Every year for Christmas I receive many wonderful gifts. Some are as unexpected as they are wonderful. Some are expected and as bad as I had feared.
These are things I've always wanted and never gotten.
This is a crazy list, and yes it is truly what I have wanted
Some of these are very expensive and can't be bought until one of my family win the lottery
# 10 I have wanted all the Harry Potter wands for a long time - I have Harry's wand
# 9 I have always wanted a jingle cats and dogs CD (prior to that a cassette)
# 8 I have always wanted to decorate my basement like Diagon Alley (MONEY)
# 7 I want a home theatre room (MORE MONEY)
# 6 I have always wanted to go to Hawaii (get those lottery tickets out)
# 5 I want a new mattress for my bed (buying it myself probably)
# 4 I want a puppy dog (Samoyed or Black Lab)
# 3 I have wanted a nice computer chair starting 3 years ago
# 2 I want a set of speakers for my computer that don't suck
# 1 I have been asking for a cam-corder for 9 years.
If you have hundreds and hundreds of dollars sitting around… get on this right now!! If you are like the rest of us sigh with me now.

Coughing on the outside

2009-01-14T07:21:00.000-08:00

Today I stayed home from work to cough. I know what you're thinking, I could have gone to work and coughed. I am tired of sharing my illness and have decided to stay home and keep it for myself. A controversial decision to be sure since I am pretty sure the staff at work gave me the germs which produced the cough. However, here I am selfishly keeping it to myself. It is sort of like the immunity necklace on Survivor. I really should give it back to Len since he shared his germs with me, but I have it now and it seems to have awakened in me a selfish sense of ownership. I temporarily possess the illness, therefore I own the illness?
With this anti-immunity necklace came the usual crabbiness due to symptoms. Fever, Chills, Aches, Hacking Cough that keeps you up all night, and lest we forget the $$ cha-ching at the druggist for all those flu and cold remedies which never work. This latest symptom, selfishness is the result of literally days and days of talking in Mini Mouse's voice, coughing like a 3 pack-a-day smoker, and several dozen landfills of tissue use (I am a mucus machine).
Call all the eligible men you know, I am available! Charming! And already dressed for bed. Taking off the fuzzy slippers is optional.

Happy Birdy 2 Ewe

2009-01-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday BD
Hippo Birdy Ewe Ewe
Hippo Birdy Ewe Ewe
Hippo Birdy Dear BD
Hippo Birdy Ewe Ewe
and many more

Peace Out

2009-01-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

The Tobinator is coming! For those of you who don't know, Tobi is my darling daughter who was my very first female child. She is wonderful and spiffs up this blog for me since I am technically challenged.
In the days of her teenagehood, I would have sold her to passing gypsies for a plug nickel. But she has turned into a great person so I am glad no gypsies were in the area while I was raising her. She has decided to come to Colorado for a very short visit without my grandkids. (a controversial decision for which I will probably forgive her eventually) However the time is short for us so maybe the visit will be better without kids.
Anyway,,,,,,, Horay Horay she is on her way!!

2008-12-22T13:38:00.001-08:00

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!! I just wanted to say that to everyone who stops here. The Holidays are just as exciting this year as when I was 5. My dad woke us up to "When the red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along" being played on our 1st ever record player. I got a baby doll and a flannel nightgown. This was the first Christmas I recall. Our tree was silver (a fake one) with a turning light on the floor near it that changed the colors on it. Green, red, gold, and blue. My dad was a big fan of Christmas and getting up early. My Mom wanted nothing more than to sleep in late. The record player was red. Not plastic, a wooden case with red fabric on it. I remember him pointing out how cool the record player was. Monotone, no stereo available yet. We had a black and white giant (19") console tv. We watched it every night. There were no programs on during the day in the 50's. The soap powder we used had towels in it and was called DUZ. The washing machine had a wringer on the top and drained with a hose into the sink. The wet clothes had to be hung up to dry as dryers had not been invented yet. My Grandmother's stove was a wood-burning stove and she kept a match safe by it on the wall. I am blessed extremely to not have to hang out clothes to dry today. There were no microwave ovens and toast was made in the broiler pan of the oven, gas oven. No electric oven for us. Quilts did not come from the store, and your mother made most of your clothes. I wore a dress every day to school because it was mandatory for girls. On cold days we wore pants under the dresses. Christmas still means just as much to me today as when I was a little girl. The years have changed the record player to an I Pod, and the night gown into a fleece robe with Spongebob on it. I still feel the same excitement when I look into the faces of my grandchildren on present day, whatever day we celebrate it. And I have gained understanding of the day and now appreciate the greatest gift of all, The Savior of the world.

2008-12-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Today is the day before the day before the day before. We always do Christmas presents on the night of the 24th. This began when the kids were visiting their dad on Christmas morning, court-ordered, so several decades now. You would think my son could remember that for the last 25 or 30 years we have all gathered at my house for a feast & presents on the 24th. This gives my kids a guilt-free "out" on Christmas day with their kids. Mom is done, no gifts at the Mammallamma's, stay home, veg all day, lounge, eat until you nap. You see the wisdom in this tradition I hope.
We started making gingerbread houses and cookies since the grandkids got big enough to participate too. You would think 3 pounds of sprinkles on 2 graham cracker sized cookies would stand out in a person's mind. You would think the 3 trips to the car to haul the booty out, a turkey coma, and 2 of the weirdest looking gingerbread houses ever created would create a little nudge of a memory.
No, he has actually called me to explain that "her" family all want to do Christmas on Christmas Eve. Dakota will be dropped off with my wonder doggies tomorrow morning. Dalton can not come at all. He and Deborah will be by some time on the 24th evening.
Of course being the dutiful grandmother I am, I will do all the party stuff and feast on the 23rd instead. Truth be told I don't care what day we open the presents but I had arranged for Xandra and the boys to be there on the 24th. Now we are scrambling to un-schedule everything. Why can't my son get it?
Other than that we are having a great Holiday and hope you are also!!

The countdown

2008-12-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

On the 1st day of Christmas my crap luck gave to me
Brittany locked in the parking lot of UPS with Kale
On the 2nd day of Christmas my crap luck gave to me
Two bounced $800 checks and a trip to save Brittany
On the 3rd day of Christmas my crap luck gave to me
Steering column problems, Ripoff from the landlady, and Kale screaming in the car loudly.
On the 4th day of Christmas my crap luck gave to me
Four bank overdraft fees, Steering column problems, Landlord really sux, and the backseat ripped out to save Brittany.
On the 5th day of Christmas my crap luck gave to me
No food for you, $800 dollar debt, the transmission may be shot, Both checks cashed, and Kale smacked the door into another car hard enough to dent it.
On the 6th day of Christmas my crap luck gave to me
Another bouncing check, Still no food for you, $900 dollar debt, the whole frame quakes when we drive, Landlord won't give back the cash, and Kale peed in the front seat.
This was my week last week. I can not go on with the Christmas Cantata because I am weeping too badly
Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Christmas Shopping

2008-12-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

Did you have a merry pre- Christmas sale? On Black Friday we traditionally decorate the trees and the house. So, every year I watch in shock and awe as people scramble to get the best deals ever on everything. You just have to be there at 4 am and then make it to 7 other stores by 6am for these once in a lifetime deals.
Why don't they do this on Christmas Eve when I am inevitably confronted with the random Christmas present problem?
You know how it goes; Some random person gives you a really thoughtful gift and you got them NADA. Now it is 4 am Christmas Eve and you have to be at work by 7am. You need a gift and you need it NOW. Of course there are no great sales on this day. The good stuff was snatched up just after Thanksgiving. What about us schmoes who forgot someone? What about all the men on the planet who wait till 30 minutes before Christmas to shop? This would be why Chia Pets were invented, so there would be something left to buy on Christmas Eve.
This year I resolved to do it correctly long before the day of dread. However, mistakes were made already. I forgot there is a guy at work who always buys all of us office people a gift. Every year. Last year he bought me Starbucks Cocoa. I love Starbucks Cocoa. He pays attention. Last year I bought him a sack full of fruit and bought the boss a bag of candy. Then I had them delivered by the bosses son. He got it backwards so I looked dumb. This year I did not buy him anything yet. He likes beer and skiing. I hate both, don't know anything about either, and can't ask or I'll look stupid. What to do?? I am afraid it is fruit again. He is always eating fruit, not much else. Plus he is the VP, so I feel sort of obligated to reciprocate the gift. What kind of human male doesn't eat candy?
Anyway back to the Christmas Sales. Who in their right mind waits for the month of December to buy stuff? I buy all year long for Christmas however there is one sale I always go to. The Schoolastic Warehouse sale. It is the Mecca. Like IKEA they basically have everything and all of it is 1/2 price or lower. I nearly cry every year when I go through the door. The book shelfs go up to the ceiling. It is like paper heaven. I got nearly every one of my 10 grandkids something this year. Even the older ones. (Can you say teen idol books?) Now for the problem, I let BD go alone. So now we have 1,000 books noone will ever read.
You just can NOT have every book in the place. Only take what you need.
And / Or can read in a life time.

Twilight the movie

2008-11-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

OK SO IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET, DO NOT READ THIS!!!

There is always a little disappointment whenever a book I have read is made into a movie. I was even a little upset with the Lord of the Rings because they did not do the raising of the Shire. This movie was basically good, but not totally true to the book. That is just not possible in the time allotted for a flick. There were a lot of omissions and changes in the movie.

STOP NOW IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN TWILIGHT

Edward was so cute. The movie gives him a lot more personality than you got in the first book. I think the first book being all from Bella's perspective did that. Edward has a sense of humor in the movie and he is intense too.

Alice killing James was the coolest thing ever. I had read the books and all we got in the book was the sounds of the fight. I loved seeing Alice fight. Stephanie Meyer has a cameo and that was funny. Bella's dad is younger than I imagined but way cooler than in the books.

The fight scene was awesome and so were the running stunts. The part where Edward goes into the sun was superb visually. There were very funny parts and very sad parts. I think you can't possibly be aware of the scope of Bella & Edward's love unless you read all the books, but they did it justice.

Rosalie and Edwards dad were NOT pretty enough, but I wanted Jasper for my own boy toy. . . Badly. He really had a tortured, bad boy look.
Alice was close to perfect and so were most of the other characters. Billy Black was not old enough, but that is probably my fault for interpretation of what I read.

Visually stunning, very believable, too short, and not too true to the book.

2008-11-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

Some people never use their blog to rant. They live in some other universe, not the same one as me.

The rest of us have problems, daily problems. Today seems like the grouch day. Everyone I have run into today is in a grouchy mood.

The 3 year old living at my house, aka the Troll, woke up whining. By 6:45am I wanted to drill a hole in my head and siphon out my brain. You can't hear without a brain right? There is a condemned crack house 2 doors down the block with the door kicked in and all the windows broken out. (I sometimes wonder who owns it). I think it would have been more peaceful this morning to live there then at my house.

Where we live you are lucky if you can dodge the bullets on the way from the carport to the house. Mostly no one comes to our house because they are scared to come into the neighborhood. No cute little manicured lawns and bushes around my house, we got weeds!! Lots of weeds in every yard as far as the block extends. Nobody bothers my car because it is the biggest POS on the block, and that is saying something in Montbello. Nobody runs out to meet you when you move in, and nobody sees most of the move outs because they happen at night, or with a sheriff.

But I digress, mostly this rant is about mornings. I am tired of them. In a more civilized world you would wake up to the sun gently warming your face. I wake up to a ranting Chochate Milt 3 year old. I usually can't even think at 5:30am and he can screech loudly. I also have to drive the previously mentioned POS to my job and that is like saying I walked on broken glass barefoot to the store and found out all the chochate milt was gone when I got there.

Work in the mornings is difficult also. You have 12 or so giant grizzly bears with 12 or so giant cranes and trucks trying to get to 12 or so jobs all over Denver. Complaining the whole time to me. One girl in an office of bears with bad morning dispositions, and they want it 10 minutes ago.

On the bright side, I usually wake up around 10 or so and figure out all their problems. Some of them have to solve their own problems if it is a "pre 10-ish" emergency.

Mornings should be soft, quiet, and above all serene. A cup of hot cocoa should magically appear on my dash board when I start the car, and a sausage mcmuffin should float to my desk at 8 or 9 am and wait patiently (& warmly) for me to be ready to eat it. There would be no noise allowed in my mornings, and I would have a better car to drive (basically anything without duct-tape or a bungee cord.

Reality: Loud obnoxious terrible rushing and screeching kids.

This Website is Designed by Tobi

2008-11-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

I HEREBY BOW TO THE TOTALLY AWESOMENESS OF TOBI'S BLOG TECHNICALilLITY AND STUFF
If technicality was a sport she would win. If I touch this Blog Spot in any way except to post a blog, it blows up and she spends hours and hours repairing it for me.
I bow to her superior skills with the computer, phones, and Internet.
There is no one who I can rely on more for the resolution of my I T problems (many and varied though they be).
I would post pictures with this post of crazy computers crashing and the black and pink phones on fire, (it will happen, give me time) but I also don't know how to do that.
So here is the post for the technical support queen.... long may she type!!

Wisdom of the aged

2008-11-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

For my birthday this year I decided to regress. I am now 50 years old. Congrats to me on being a half century old! Again! There is a little wisdom in being this old that needs to be passed on.
So, here it is. My top 10 list of things I have learned from being this blessed old.
# 1 There is no limit to the number of things that can go wrong with an old human body. There is actually a "downward slide scale". All old people seem to accept all this deterioration as normal!
# 2 Smile, everyone needs one now and then and it costs you nothing to give one away
# 3 You can tell a lot about a person by how they react to a traffic jam.
# 4 There is no suckage like teen-age suckage
# 5 Never, I repeat, never let your butt get above your head after 40. It's not a pretty sight. It could be harmful. Above all stay off the trampoline.
# 6 Where you live is not half as important as how you live.
# 7 There is a sub-structure below Hell, they call it a p.m.s., below that is pregnancy, in the vast bottomless pit is MENOPAUSE
# 8 Children are like chocolate: Best when you first get them, messy, fattening, and you will miss them when they're gone
# 9 Let the oven warm up, the water come to a complete boil, and the kids make mistakes. Be patient and forgive. This is good for YOU.
# 10 Love, a good relationship with God, family, chocolate, and a place to call home. This is all you really need.

2008-10-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

For Halloween I was a gay crane operator. I had a huge butt and leopard t-back underwear on it. I had a very hairy chest and armpit hair. Britt and the kids helped by dragging my shirt through the garden. I love it.
Every day one of these 6"5" guys I work with comes in and whines about something. But yesterday they took up a collection and repairs were made to my 1992 car and paid for by them.
You can't get any better than that.
Happy Halloween

baby got crack

2008-10-31T11:48:00.000-07:00

I work with these guys

2008-10-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

neurological sub atomic warfare

2008-10-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

Kale has declared war on my spine. It starts the second he wakes up. A sonic resonance designed to affect my nervous system like spikes driven slowly under the nail beds on all my fingers and toes at once. I could be more specific on the nature of the pain induced by the sounds he makes if I were capable of rational thought or speech during one of his fits. All I can think is "Please, make it stop".

There is no rationalizing with a 3 year old. He wakes up pissed off, or in pain, or in need of something, and he begins to make a noise like all the cats and dogs chained to hells gates have been presented with an ambulance, a fire truck, and intruders to chase.

I can NOT think, or breathe, or move fast enough to satisfy whatever monster inside this child creates the need to make this noise. And it is not just me either, his brother quiets, & his mother and I scramble to do his will immediately.

All the Chochate Nilt sippy cups on the planet align and form a perfect eclipse of happy Chochate Nilt rainbows and sippy cup fountains, and still that noise continues.

I strip the beds in the house and place all the pillows and blankets at the feet of the beast. Remove any and every potentially offensive object from his area, remote control every big screen and surround sound in the place until it is playing his favorite Sponge Bob episode, quiet every other noise in the house, and snap on every light ever created by man all at the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog on "super fast" so that the time I am tortured will be shorter, and still he makes that noise. Toys appear as if teleported by magic to make his royal highness stop, still it goes on. I have run down to his bedroom to find a plastic weed whacker and goggles in his bed because I believed that he would quit if he just had those toys back.

Luckily for me he only does it about 3 times a day. Most of the fits could be stopped if I could figure out how to intimidate him into being more scared of me than Goosebumps, or whatever he is shrill about at the moment.

Phoenix and he have been taking turns making that noise all weekend.

What good is 2 days off of work if you don't get to rest or recreate during them? Kale keeps me prisoner every morning with that noise so he won't have to walk in the cold to take Phoenix to school

Meanwhile his noise is doing permanent damage to my neurological system. When the torture is over I find myself laying down to attempt to recover. My limbs shake and my vision blurs with the tears of relief. By the time it is over, I am ready to sell him to passing gypsies.

Then he comes over and kisses me and tells me he loves me. I'm always scared during these times. The noise could come out if he perceives some wrong or problem in the universe he must shrilly lament.

You will be able to tell the doctors with absolute certainty what happened to me now at least.

What Halloween is all about

2008-10-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Scary things come in many sizes, shapes, and colors. I have compiled a list of the things we have done on this holiday which scared me the most, and all of them seem to center around children. Basically the scariest moments of my life have been my own fault because I looked away, lost concentration, believed in the goodness of the child, or just plain screwed up. Constant vigilance could have saved me many harrowing scares and screaming. Most of the time we are scared enough at Halloween by the costumes and movies to pay attention to weird and dangerous things. The normal things are much more dangerous.
Below are dire warnings which will keep you safe from ghoul's and gross consequences at Halloween.

So here it is my official NEVER DO on Halloween list:
#1 Never go anywhere in a car with children for longer than 2 hours.
cross country + kids + unlimited sugar - mobility = disaster
#2 Never let yourself be talked into the costume a pre-teenager wants.
11 year old + skimpy outfit + outdoors + boys = bigger disaster
#3 There truly is NO SUCH thing as a fool-proof contraceptive. (that one scared ya didn't it?)
#4 Never put me or Tobi in charge of which direction you go in any vehicle, no matter where or when.
Mom + one car + no clue where we are = lost half the night (see #1)
#5 There is not a limit on the # of pounds of icing and decorations any child can pile on pumpkin sugar cookies, do not try to compete with them at it, I have pictures.
kids + unlimited icing of varying colors + 5,000,000 sprinkles = hours of cleaning for mom
#6 You can keep trick or treating forever if you let the kids decide.
1 pillow case + Joshua + his best friend = 11:30pm & mom searching for them in the car (lost again)
#7 Never let a baby hold anything you think he or she can not swallow or hurt him or herself with or fit into his or her nose.
Tobi + beads + nose = emergency room visit
#8 Never leave the car, house, bathroom, (whatever) alone with a sugared up child for "just a second". Believe me it would be easier to just pack it all up and take it with you than clean it up or explain it to the police /doctor later.
see # 7
#9 Do not run through the house in the dark with a smoke machine on.
See #7 again
#10 Never move just before Halloween. Just put in a change of address and let the mail try to find you again. If you are crazed enough to want to move just box up everything in your house. Do not label any of the boxes with whats in them, just number them. Put all the boxes with an even number on them out on the curb and let the trick or treat-ers take them away forever. Now unpack the rest. Same results as moving, no truck involved.
moving + strangers in and out of the house all night = half your stuff gone

2008-09-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

To my dummy of a son who forgot Phoenix's birthday, again.

2008-09-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

A son a son a dummy for a son
It's bad enough you huff and puff to make a kingdom run.
Why should I be forced to satisfy a witless, wonder, dunder, blunder, dummy of a son?
So come someone and take away my son. My enemies attach and tease until the kingdom's done.
But worse, I curse, the wretched universe that brought a witless, dunder, blunder, dummy of a son.
My son, my son, you're stupid as they come. I taught you all that I recall, so how come you're so dumb?
I cry good-bye, I'll probably go and hide. But always here behind my rear I see my stupid son.

Phoenix is turning 6!!

2008-09-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

So the S P E W was not well received. I should have known better.
Sunday is Phoenix's birthday. So far we have planned squat. I guess it is time to start. I bought him a video game last week and he is going to play Indiana Jones and the whatever all weekend but first we must endure Chuck E Cheese or some such horrible spot for a few hours. OK so I did not go buy the game myself, but I paid for it. Last night Kale spilled the beans on the "Jin Jan Jones Yego game". Therefore, I goofed.
I really hate to do it but I guess we need to buy a cake too. Yes, Virginia there is a bakery at Albertsons. I'm too old and have 2 jobs; Therefore we buy cake. The baking of the cakes is officially over.
Xandra has put in her request early this year for a pair of thigh high converse boots at the mall. $70.00. If you ask me, we got off easy. Phoenix's game cost $50.00 and the trip to Chucky will be another $50.00 easy. Xandra will eat strawberry shortcake, tomato's, and chicken salad all weekend at home for her birthday. She doesn't like birthday cake and unless I have to buy her a movie and nacho's, we should be done. Pray another Cheetah girls or Bratz movie does NOT come out in the next 2 months.
Anyway, Happy EARAAALY Birthday Phoenix. Many many many more too!!

a few things to spew

2008-09-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

What can I say?
every once in a while I sneak over to a certain persons blog attached to my daughters blog and read some of the stuff there.
I'm always hoping to read something regarding any one of the 4 children or the 10 grand kids we have genetically in common.
Instead I get rambling about his life and how wonderful it is to para sail
or whatever it is called.
People reading his blog must think "Wow how interesting this guy's life is" but all I can say is "Wow, how self centered can one man be"?
Nothing in his writings about all the brilliant accomplishments of these kids/grand kids? Nothing about the births of his present wife's grand kids?
Nothing about how Phoenix goes to a school for gifted children, about how Xandra's temperament is just about the best on the planet? No comments for the accomplishments of Alex, or the cuteness of Cora? What in the world are we here for if not to revel and delight in the miracle of life??
10 Grand kids: Amberlee 17, Dakota 12, Xandra 9, Ian 6, Phoenix 5, Alec 5, Dalton 5, Kale 3, Cora 3, Justin 2.
Know it, Learn it, Love it. Life just doesn't get any more interesting than listening to the "potty tales" of Justin or the Jedi fixation of Ian.
There is no subject upon which I can ramble for hours and hours like the wonderfulness of these ten kids.
No accomplishment, entertainment, riches, life altering fun, or thrill seeking moment can make up for the fact that you don’t know squat about your own offspring, or their offspring.
Nothing you have now will go anywhere with you when you face your old age alone. Nothing you have done will attend your funeral and cry, no one will care.
So yes, I am obsessed with my grandchildren and their trivial little triumphs. Yes, I love them more than myself and always want to see and talk to them. I believe they are worth more than all the fun and riches in the world.
I hereby proclaim for all to read: kids and grand kids, you are the very most important thing to me and you always will be.