Scary things come in many sizes, shapes, and colors. I have compiled a list of the things we have done on this holiday which scared me the most, and all of them seem to center around children. Basically the scariest moments of my life have been my own fault because I looked away, lost concentration, believed in the goodness of the child, or just plain screwed up. Constant vigilance could have saved me many harrowing scares and screaming. Most of the time we are scared enough at Halloween by the costumes and movies to pay attention to weird and dangerous things. The normal things are much more dangerous.
Below are dire warnings which will keep you safe from ghoul's and gross consequences at Halloween.
So here it is my official NEVER DO on Halloween list:
#1 Never go anywhere in a car with children for longer than 2 hours.
cross country + kids + unlimited sugar - mobility = disaster
#2 Never let yourself be talked into the costume a pre-teenager wants.
11 year old + skimpy outfit + outdoors + boys = bigger disaster
#3 There truly is NO SUCH thing as a fool-proof contraceptive. (that one scared ya didn't it?)
#4 Never put me or Tobi in charge of which direction you go in any vehicle, no matter where or when.
Mom + one car + no clue where we are = lost half the night (see #1)
#5 There is not a limit on the # of pounds of icing and decorations any child can pile on pumpkin sugar cookies, do not try to compete with them at it, I have pictures.
kids + unlimited icing of varying colors + 5,000,000 sprinkles = hours of cleaning for mom
#6 You can keep trick or treating forever if you let the kids decide.
1 pillow case + Joshua + his best friend = 11:30pm & mom searching for them in the car (lost again)
#7 Never let a baby hold anything you think he or she can not swallow or hurt him or herself with or fit into his or her nose.
Tobi + beads + nose = emergency room visit
#8 Never leave the car, house, bathroom, (whatever) alone with a sugared up child for "just a second". Believe me it would be easier to just pack it all up and take it with you than clean it up or explain it to the police /doctor later.
see # 7
#9 Do not run through the house in the dark with a smoke machine on.
See #7 again
#10 Never move just before Halloween. Just put in a change of address and let the mail try to find you again. If you are crazed enough to want to move just box up everything in your house. Do not label any of the boxes with whats in them, just number them. Put all the boxes with an even number on them out on the curb and let the trick or treat-ers take them away forever. Now unpack the rest. Same results as moving, no truck involved.
moving + strangers in and out of the house all night = half your stuff gone
3 comments:
Oh come on! You never mentioned the time I pissed in the pretty princess costume you made me out of your wedding dress, took it off, and threw it down the stairs, right into your face. When asked why it smelled like pee I replied, "A monster crawled up my skirt and peed my dress so I would get in trouble."
Good rules to live anyone's life by especially if you have kids.
Very true about me being lost everywhere I go. I could get lost driving to your house from the airport. Very sad....
So, I'm the one with the good direction? I agree.
I haven't told pat what Xandra's going to be for halloween, and I'm going to play dumb if he asks me!
Next time, just have b.d. call me BEFORE halloween shopping so I can let you know if that's a crack-head
whores-r-us outfit. Ian is being the swat team for halloween, and justin thinks halloween costumes are the fruits of the devil and refuses to wear one. I think we're just going to get him a halloween bini hat and let him run screaming down the street like he always wants to. Then we'll let Ian handcuff him when he gets too hopped up on sugar.
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