Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Bone to pick

There are 206 bones in the human body. I actually have had one removed so I have less. In the 70/80's I could have named them all. Now all I want is for the ones I have to stop aching.

How the heck did I get old? I don't feel this old mentally. I still want to play (the soul is willing, the flesh is weak). I still crave the things I craved in my 20's. How did this happen?

It seems like yesterday I was in college and my kids were babies. Now I have 10 grandkids! How the heck did I get 10 grandkids? (One or more of my children had sex, I just know it).

There are many changes associated with getting older which I must say have been less than fun. Who changed my hair to grey? I can barely hear anymore if there is background noise. My patience is better, but who wants me to wait for anything now? If I want something, I just work for it or go get it. I have faulty eyesight and someone moved my waist down south somewhere out of the country.
The point of the geriatric biology rant is that I protest! Everything seems to be on a downward slide when I should be free to be me. When I was younger I put everything I wanted on hold and raised the kids. I couldn't just sling the kids aside and go do what I wanted, I had responsibilities. After they all leave and I am a single entity again, the body falls apart. That is SO not fair. Where is the justice in this system? Maybe I am finally having a fleshy breakdown to go with the mental breakdown I had a hundred catastrophe's ago?.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sit up and beg

OK so now I can text with a degree of suckitude that is acceptable. It is nowhere near as fast or perfect as the younger generation, but it is not unintelligible gibberish any more either. I get about every 4th or 5th word wrong, misspelled, or changed in translation. On the whole I have mixed emotions about text ing.
On the plus side:
My boss can't spy on me and hear what I am saying to whoever I text.
There is no "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" tune associated with it.
It saves time.

On the minus side:
It is less personal.
The keys are small.
There is no Hands Free text ing.
Actually the whole text ing thing can be whacked because if you have no bars you are screwed either way.
So I guess the shiny new is off this one.

However, I must print a retraction. You can teach an old dog new tricks.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Roll over and play dead

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Such is the case really. My daughter called me yesterday and told me we have a new service on our cell phones; text messaging! I was over-joyed. Taking phone in hand I leaped into the new Milena and text ed the following: "z,mnfa;iepru39gig nanc274-1n,zmnf'sdfja'kfj"
The darn phone tries to anticipate what I am spelling and leaps to the wrong word every time. If I try to back up or keep going it just keeps guessing.... WRONG. I can spell the words to and the. End of understanding between me and the text messaging machine.
Thus, my little minions if you do not get a text from mom at all, or get one which is incoherent babbling..
Yes it really is from me and you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


My boss, wonderful man that he is offered me a gym membership. If I will go, he will pay.

The offer is a double edged sword. If he pays I MUST go because it would seem ungrateful of me to not go.
However... If I go I may just die. Seriously, I have a heart problem.
There is also the matter of my buttocksicants. I am used to a certain amount of cushioning in the rear. In fact I am used to a certain level of creature comforts which do NOT include sweat rolling off my body, fast movement of the vertical mass, or leaving my home.
A good book, a good movie, a good steak, chocolate sin cake, and a diet coke. Arranging these things takes time, effort, and $. These are the things I like around me. My dog and grandchildren are also invited as long as they don't try any poaching on my cake.
Buttocksicants are the hormones and fat levels in my body telling me to "just say no" to exercise. For 53 years they have ruled my body.
On the other hand, it is free. On the other hand me in yellow and blue spandex? On the other hand everything is headed south. Did I mention the spandex?
Dilemma in deed.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

De-hurt-full retraction

So, having been duly chastised by my wonderful daughter who selflessly took her children to the Easter Egg Hunt... I Mammallama now print my de-hurt-full retraction.
You are not the worst monee on the earth for not coloring eggs with your children. You are all that is wonderful and wise and fed them healthy wabbit food after the hunt. I am bad and posted an internet-wide blogger alert to the world that you did not color eggs: which you and only you will ever read. (My other 2 followers will never be aware how bad I am).
Obviously you were indulged too much by their awful mother and pampered far too much with the dye and egg routine. Only constant vigilance will prevent me from making such an announcement again however as I am old and forgetfull.
And anyways, I can't take out an add in the Rocky Mountain News as the paper went belly-up a month ago and closed forever.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Global Warming?

It is 40 below outside and there is a blizzard. It is April 5th!! OK so hell has frozen over, why isn't Joel blogging?
He has writers block? A broken arm? (possible)
A prior commitment to type?
My daughters all type. Maybe it is a man thing? Oh well, we did not want to know what was going on in your life anyway. Take that slobber mouth!
Meanwhile on the home front . . .
Joshua has put in another change of address to the post office. That means that we are once again NOT getting our mail. Neither is he of course. Every few months he or his wife go to the Montghetto post office and try to control the bureaucracy. Other than probable entertainment value for the pissed off postal workers, the effect of this is that we get NO mail for a few weeks afterward. I swear my son and his wife both have ESP because they always do this when we are expecting something important in the mail. We ordered a series of books. Now the only thing I got today was my son's bank statement.
Luckily, he called me to tell me this time so I am not left just wondering where my books are. They are being held hostage at the mail center, or just being used to warm some disgruntled postal workers house as there is a blizzard outside right now. We never see this mail when he does this. It has disappeared into the postal void forever. This is the 3rd time he has done this.
Welcome to reality son.
There is a USPS and they really do not care.
A lot. All the time.

Friday, April 3, 2009

To my dumb (see picture) daughter.
Explaining to me why you did not just spread out the mats I bought for the car so your evile children could not spill any more
candy, chips, french fries, soda, chochate nilk, water, gatorade, flarf in a can, cookies, pancake on a stix, chickken
nunnets, more candy, and all the wrappers, bags, receipts, packaging, boxes, and or covers associated with those things
does NOT make it OK that the mats are still not on the floor of the car. Tossing them into the back seat in a heap
does NOT cover up the carpet stain the size and color of a grapefruit back there. The fact that the mats are in the car means you did see them.
What did you think I bought them for? The 7 times I have had you clean out the car since I bought them it did not occur to you I meant them to be placed
in the back seat floor? (See Above) Move your tushie out to the driveway immediately and put them in place!!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Snow snow go away, come again some other day. That could be our theme song for March/ April here in Colorado. Every other couple of days we get a snow pounding. From 2" to 15". Then the weather goes back to 60 or 70 degrees and it all melts. Then it snows again. Yesterday evening it snowed a couple of inches, now it is all gone. Saturday is supposed to be snowy again (6 inches). I am not sure what the weather is doing, but we did not have any real winter weather so I guess it is good. I have lost all faith in the Weatherman but mostly he has been within a few days of each change. On last nights weather forecast he said it was "partly cloudy with a 65% chance of snow". I looked out and it was snowing. Hey buddy, get a window installed in the TV station broadcasting area.