Friday, March 1, 2013

heal my soul

The truth is you can only love as deeply as you hurt.
That is why I signed up for this adventure, to learn how to love and hurt and choose.
Sometimes I submit to the will of God and just flow with the experience. Sometimes I want to run away and I try to bargain my way out of whatever pain or problem I have. You can only learn these things here during earth life experience, and I want to be good and experienced when I leave, but I swear I signed up for two of everything hard thinking I would be special or better at this. Or that it would be easy for me because I was so good. The truth is I am not as good as my sister Mary or my brother Timmy. They both were only here a little while to get the body and experiences and get out.
I'll probably be 100 before I get it.
The truth is I have gone as far as I ever want to go in pain and emotional trauma experience and still am stupid as a post.  I came here to get experience and got the deluxe package thinking it would be so fun and I would ace everything and here I sit a great big failure.
No, not a failure at life. You are passing if you're alive. I am a failure at the learning from this experience. I keep thinking "What was I thinking?" when I look back on my life and choices. You are supposed to learn from these things, but what am I not learning?  I guess if I knew then I would fly away home.
One thing I really need to learn is forgiveness. Oh yea I'm really good at talking the talk but deep inside I still have resentments, hostilities, and down right thirst for retribution for those who have hurt me in this life. I want forgiveness, but I so don't know how to give it. In fact given the chance I would cheer at the repayment of some of the crap flung my way by others. I don't wish anyone really bad stuff, but I would laugh at a little pay back.
"How's that feeling buddy? It's not so fun on the other end of that is it?"
I look around me and think I am on the right track but really I am about as smart as a moth and keep flying into the flame and wondering why it burns. Enough examining my soul for the night.

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